TimeLess

None the Wiser

2009-07-31T12:39:00.002+08:00

Cyclical; it repeats itself without fail
Moving laboriously from peak to trough
And then back forth once again.
There comes the moment when the light loses its shine
Making way for darkness to descend.
With it brings the winds of the east to the west
Exactly what I detest.

This volatility, composed of extremity swinging from
Best to worst, first to last.
Tear the serene peace apart, inviting war to stay.
It won't be soon before it's over,
For all around stinks with terror.

Lesson must be learnt;
The scars shall serve as the sobering reminder
That to hope is to engage in the business of self-deception.
Since the returns of hope is a blank check titled
'Hopelessness'.

Changing Faces (Masked)

2009-06-23T15:35:00.002+08:00

Pains me to even feel.
The coldness in your soul
Veiled beneath your eyes.

Frightens me to ever think
The ruthlessness of your mind
Glimpsed through your nasty acts.

Your every move is a sensuous invite
For only you are able to excite
The very minute you set sight
On what is otherwise an existential plight.

It's been a while since we last met,
I don't even recall when we together last ate.
We held out hopes for the future
Which turned out to be an epic overture.

Shudders me to imagine (now)
Life of the hopelessly sanguine
What fools we are
Imprisoning ourselves in a world
We created to liberate (that's meant to end).

Chokes me with emotions indescribable
How I landed in this shamble.
Now that I'm in,
I'm impelled to take the gamble.

Beckoning

2009-06-23T15:30:00.002+08:00

The mind spins, the patience wearing thin.
Not much of a choice to be released.
So much there is to be unleashed.

Disinterest mounts by each ticking of the clock,
With their distinct mark of taunting.
Pumping fear and dread that's all the more haunting.

So much there is to be said.
Yet no one to say it to.
Even words cannot convey fully the meaning of being caged.

Multiple voices speak to a hollow vessel
Hypnosis that is therapeutic for the moment
Which morphs into acute pressure the next.

Seething with unexplainable fury and escalating frustration,
Solace is sought in the unthinkable dimension.
Sanctuary promises it's near and clear.

Pain is mere numbness;
Numbness is the ill which portends blight.
I break loose, losing myself to Hell's
Beckoning.

Cornered

2009-06-23T15:27:00.001+08:00

What do you do
When you are troubled
But see no end
To your troubles?

Trouble is your suitor -
It seeks to court you
And you know it always succeeds.

I always believe not to
Trouble trouble unless trouble troubles me.
Now that it is knocking right at my doorstep,
I am at a total loss.

For I know my refusal and unwillingness to let it in
Will be but a futile and pointless resistance.

Bare

2009-06-23T15:20:00.002+08:00

Could hardly resist your advances
When you moved so swiftly, so stealthily
Knew it would cost me dearly
To grant you access to my senses.

Does not help to leave
For you hold a part of me by the leash
My soul and self are not intact.
I can barely retract.

Once so wonderfully endowed,
Now so woefully exploited.
Bareness speaks of my state of destitution.
Rarely do I not reside in isolation.

Epitaph

2009-02-18T12:48:00.003+08:00

Do you feel the searing pain,my friend?
When the fire ripped through your body
Effacing what semblance of peace you could enjoy
In the inner recesses of your mind.

Comfort zone no more-
For now you are stripped to the gore
I understand how the chagrin in you will burn
As indignation takes hold.

Once,you occupied a place in the hearts of many
Once,you were an indispensable friend.
But the domineering and overbearing triumphed
Nulling your infinite influence.

Indeed,it is overwhelming and ever-agonising
To know you only in our distant memories
To have you guarding the ones you love
Without a chance for us to express gratitude.

We know very well you did not want to leave
Without saying goodbye;we do.
Just that the god-forsaken menaces of the ruler
Took rein,and took you away.

Let us vow to take them down.

Voyage

2009-02-18T12:42:00.002+08:00

Do not recall when I was sent aboard
This damned vessel
Sailing towards an inescapable destiny
Marked doom.

For when I acquire cognizance
Realization dawned on me
I was thrust onto this voyage
Against my will and wishes.

Why do I say so?
Simple and direct:
Security,reason,logic and happiness
Were all robbed of me.

Destitution is the state
I am reduced to be.
Cowering in fear and stripped of sanity,
The perpetrators tantalise me

With my freedom they devoured.

Grouse & Foul

2009-02-08T10:57:00.002+08:00

I am severely wounded.
Sustaining a serious dent in self.
No idea how and when I can recover
From the horrors and terrors of the past.

No matter how hard I try,
I cannot but shake the nightmares off.
They kept on coming-
Haunting,taunting and mounting.

Was it a matter of fate
That I suffer as such?
Or am I condemned for my mistakes;
Those that I cannot remember having committed?

Admittance of wrong I did,
So was denial.
Either way,I know deep in my heart
Forever I will be hit hard.

Part (Two)

2009-01-29T14:06:00.002+08:00

I walk into the crowd,hoping to ease my loneliness
But as I blend into it
I am no different from the rest;
Only that my sense of solitude is amplified.

How many times have I done this?
I don't know;
Only know that you are not in the know.
Can't help but keep wondering if you feel this (too).

Ever since we parted
And went onto different paths
We never looked back (To see if we were on track)
Sadly,we never did.

Now and then it hit me,and I'm sure you too
That we can't hold back our bits and pieces
Neither can we mend the broken pieces
But what are we to do?
We were two little fools.

Fall

2009-01-29T14:02:00.002+08:00

Frantic searching can do no wonders
To a soul that is set to wander
As the heart starts to quiver
Calling out for the eager saver,
The devil starts his plunder.

In the vision lies the immediate and near
In the mind resides the towering fear.
Far from ordinary thoughts and processes,
The ONE pervades the messes.

Have you the gall
To defy The ONE's order to fall?
Even so,choice is not made avail (by mortal means)
In a realm where dictatorship prevails.

Cursed Gift

2009-01-29T13:57:00.002+08:00

Chances of redemption are low and nigh
Add onto it all my sighs.
Thanks for making me lose the highs
I used to enjoy.

Not you;nor your fault
Him,he opened up the vault
What fine spread he did offer
I know you would buckle.

Twists and turns we have had too many
Happiness and joy are but nary
My gift to you
You treat as a curse.

Our dialogue is starting to become terse.

Wishful Thinking

2009-01-06T21:48:00.002+08:00

My birthday wish:

Solely

2009-01-05T09:58:00.001+08:00

The profound sense of abandonment
That leaves one in bewilderment
Is often termed "loneliness".

It rips the soul and nags the mind;
Not at all kind.

How one is inundated by it
Reflects his character to bits.

But it would be all too convenient
To dismiss it as such,
And judge a person who is not so in charge

-Of his feelings,instincts and temperaments
That can produce so vast a reaction
Capable of inflicting irreversible damage
Contributing to his detriment.

Left.
Alone.
.

Checkered

2008-12-31T23:38:00.004+08:00

Stepping into a new zone
With an unbridled tone
New light shedding on old wounds
Bad blood bleeding into an uncontrollable flood

Haphazard planning translating into excessive canning
What a year this has brought me to
Befuddled and irked,
I carry disgruntled voices with me along.

Move aside,the old.
I am pushed into the next cone.
Enter the unknown
And let it unfold.

Wistful Wishing

2008-12-29T13:13:00.006+08:00

Wishlist 2009

This is by no means exhuastive.

1)Music CDs and DVDs

- Leona Lewis Spirit Deluxe Album

- David Archuleta

- Mamma Mia! Soundtrack

- Viva La Vida by Coldplay

- The Circus by Take That

- Year of the Gentleman by Ne-Yo

- Let It Go by Will Young

- Wang Lee Hom's new album

2)Apple Ipod Nano Chromatic(Orange/Blue/Red)

3)New pair of Adidas slippers and shoes

4)Metallic wrist-watch by Casio

5)Stylish belt and accessories

6)Driving Licence

7)New clothes and shorts/jeans

8)Netbook AspireOne or any other low-end notebooks

9)Better health

10)New Nike backpack

11)Closer friends.

12)Relationship that lasts.

13)New pair of specs and sunglasses (with my degree).

14)A holiday trip Overseas,unlike these past 2 years in which I have none.

15)Leverage potential to optimise income earnings.

16)Pick up a new course using E-prep credits.

17)A decent birthday celebration for 20th birthday on the 20th of Feb. (LOL)

18)A few good bottles of cologne/perfume,wax and shaving cream.

19)Securing the scholarship I have been eye-ing.

20)Getting into the course that I wish to switch to.

Panorama

2008-12-27T23:31:00.004+08:00

I am really blessed with one friend who can really connect,and it astounds me how we manage to stay in touch. Thank you,pearl.

Looking back,2008 is a really thrilling and failing year for me.Numerous things flashed and whizzed past,the enormity and gravity of some still reeling fresh before me in terms of impact.

I love it for the material life it bestowed on me.But not so much the emotional void it cursedly cast upon me...

Wishlist for 2009 will be posted soon.

Prescience

2008-12-24T23:08:00.002+08:00

As I peer into the future
The portents of the present overwhelm me
Paralysis is beyond the state we are in.

Precocious young minds poised to impress
Do little but to suppress
All that is meant to depress.

Had we made a pact with Earth
Not to choke it with filth
We would have failed.

Taught to care for all things universe
Exhorted to share with everyone else less fortunate
Still,nothing is nurtured and entrenched.

Do we have ourselves to blame?
Across the globe,everything is in flames
Sad,though,we nay feel the shame.

By definition

2008-12-24T22:57:00.002+08:00

What a difference a moment makes
With the splendour that you create.
Which never seems to pull the brake
To help me understand my fate.

A defining moment this is,
Trivial as it may seem.
Nevertheless,an achievement
Extending beyond boundaries of bewilderment.

Believe me when I exclaim that this is awesome.
For nothing comes closer to this as wholesome.

Forlorn

2008-12-08T21:42:00.002+08:00

Why are you so sad,my baby?
The skies today aren't hazy
There is a lot in life to cheer;
Many things more to jeer.

My love for you is a never-ending affair
As natural and innate as my flair
For articulating my thoughts about you
And not making you one pathetic fool
Who yearns to be loved
But thought was spurned

No more frowns in your beautiful gown,
I promise I won't let you down.
Bring your heart close to mine
So we will thence entwine.

Prized one,we will not fail
Unlike those out on bail
We shall prevail

Loving you is a foregone conclusion
Leave your seclusion
Join me in the joy of being together...
Forlorn's an evitable conclusion.

Compulsion Repulsion

2008-11-23T18:24:00.001+08:00

I know not my self... Neither does anyone...

Dilution

2008-11-16T22:00:00.002+08:00

Our concentration on our own lives and work leads to the dilution of our relationships with people dearest to us...

How long before we all awake?

Solace

2008-11-09T11:12:00.008+08:00

Solitude is unbearable.If only friends are my sources
of seeking solace...

Sway's not the Way

2008-11-08T22:09:00.001+08:00

Me breaking down,
Not a pretty sight to behold.
You'd better step down,
As the story unfolds.

Somebody simply stepped on my toes.
And cried a bloody foul.
Ironic I did not consider him a foe,
But plainly let him go.

What can I do
When circumstances are stacked against me
Sapping the life out of me?

Can I say no?
I doubt so.
Life is not meant to be so.

I used to live it cold,
Let my woes go untold.

Now I have found a new way
To cope with the fiesty knot;
That is not to let myself sway
In the face of this curdling,bloody clot

Incomplete

2008-11-08T22:05:00.001+08:00

Emoting is not like a remote -
You cannot switch between modes.
If a connection between the two is not made,
The message sent across is vague.

No matter the effort,
Nothing will be heard.
So, bare your heart and pour your soul
Into making sparks and letting the other's gaze hold...

Pervasive Intrusion

2008-11-01T13:28:00.008+08:00

If only I can capture all the moments that matter, my heart
most probably won't shatter...

Fall from Grace

2008-11-01T13:14:00.004+08:00

26 OCT.

The day that will be etched in my mind for as long as I live and breathe.You stole my heart,seized my gaze,and entwined my life into yours.

Such indelible marks and incredible memories.I never thought I could fall.But I'm so wrong.Please,correct me.Can't deny it-my soft spot for you.

Void

2008-10-26T00:34:00.009+08:00

Absorbed into a vacuum of emptiness
I cannot help but feel the gravity of my helplessness
My situation portends to something disastrous

At the crossroads headed nowhere
Tasked with the burden to unravel the myth somewhere
I fall to the detractors and swear

Loaded with so much filth and hatred
Fed with so much anger and grime
But not a single respite,not one remorse

When the day stops raining,
The birds stop crowing
Nothing else will stir.

And thou shalt hath no other chance
To clean up this farce
Me,the ONE,will be awaiting this day of FUN.

-Quote of the day:
"No remedy betters the belief in resolution."

Shaken

2008-10-25T00:29:00.006+08:00

Easy; in fact too easy, to shake it off
My condition is but one you scoff
When you were the one entreating me to sound off
Now that I did put forth,
You merely push me off.

Superficiality your speciality
Hypocrisy your art of perfection

Miserable life continuing in anguish,
Made all possible by your uncaring fetish.
Told me you bothered,
But nothing is furthered.

Out to you.
Out.
Out.
Wait.
I am not allowed.

True

2008-10-25T00:18:00.003+08:00

Mum once told me, "Everything in life is to be tried."

Till now,the words still resonate in my mind,reminding me to always give people and things a chance.

Indeed, I heeded her advice as best as I could,but warped it at the same time for my personal reasons.

I tried to accept them,tried to make them like me,tried to care for them and love them,tried so hard in many trying ways.

But try hard as I may,I have to admit I have lost.Not because they are not worthy of my attention,but just that they do not befit my vindication of living on my own terms.

I need to be able to develop something for my ideal targets,need to feel,need to care,need to love and in turn be returned what I had forked out.

It is never easy.

Living in the recluse of what I project myself to be,in the shadows of what I had long foreseen as conclusive living premised on other's expectations,and to have to be elicited that twisted smile.

I never thought it would come to this.I didn't want it and never meant for it.I have been trying very hard to come to terms with living,with myself and with what I have gone through.

You may never understand how it feels like to be on this lone journey.But it's a choice.My path in life.

I hope you will accept it.I can only afford to say,"I'm sorry."

Coy Joy

2008-10-22T20:16:00.002+08:00

Acquainting myself with more people indeed heightens my sense of fulfilment in the sphere of friendships.With that,my sense of solitude is momentarily discarded whilst that of mere joy and indulgence is expanded.Unfortunately,such feelings do not last.And it is all the more a misery that I have yet to resolve these conflicting emotions and thoughts within me.Am I just discontented with life?Perhaps.

Quotes of the day:

"Sparks mark the start of an adventure."

"Fear sets the intellect on fire."

Meaningless Curse

2008-10-22T20:14:00.001+08:00

What to do?
I've no idea who I can turn to
A lone soul out at sea
Struggling with silent yelps of plea

Calling out to the vastness
Voice lost in its formation
Enveloped in this darkness
Abandoning all thoughts of salvation

Try hard as I may,
Nothing else is within my means.
I'm damned in a place
I fail to befriend.

Escapades

2008-10-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

I have turned into a rider - both bus and MRT,espousing the values of being thrifty and environmentally-friendly at the same time.

As much as I hate to admit it,bus rides are plain boring. (The attached image is a testimony of that)

Monotonous and soporific.Sigh,what other alternatives do I have?

Quotes of the day,by yours truly:

"The resolve to live strong

Stems from knowing what's wrong
And trying to right the wrong".

"Love in its purest form comes from within,
And starts with self-love."

Non-luminous

2008-10-16T20:50:00.002+08:00

Die without a sigh,
Make it feel high.
Short and crisp
Deep and sweet
Draw the last breath
With the fast fest.

Long has it been said that life gets better,
How so when it's all bread and butter?
Pin the nails swiftly through the neck
Swing it quick and toss it till it cracks.

Bleed the guts out and feed the creatures of the dark
Let it sink all into the ravenous holes of theirs
Fill them up and get them bloated
Till there's no way they can see the day.

Remains occupy insubstantial portions of people's minds
What matters is what worth is left behind.
Faint traces of you linger-something incomparable to
Their inhumane hunger.

Enshrouded

2008-10-16T20:46:00.002+08:00

Welled up within me,well-obscured emotions
That speak of a past that is scarred.
Events unfolding in a painfully slow motion
Inciting the wrath in me to uncover.

Spiralling out of control,my warped notions
Of a world that has had enough of peace.
Inane people setting unprecedented quotients
Fuelling my desire to say 'cheese'.

Closeted bits of me shatter as I shudder
At the thought of it worsening matters.
Beyond what can define horror,
I face my oppressors and chuckle.

Silent Protest

2008-10-16T20:43:00.002+08:00

Compelled to embark on a journey riddled with hurdles,
Follow the path in clueless fortification.
What is missing I know I can't get it without a bundle
Complete with what I can only be resigned to desire.

Bits and pieces of me are eroded,devoured by the
Insatiable source of evil.
It fancies it is no evil,for it carries on,pushing
Me to the ends of no avail.

Deep within the contours of my heart,
I smirk at the devil, and
Cry foul as if it's forever.
Because of you,I am not who I am.

Disenchanted

2008-10-16T20:39:00.002+08:00

Diffidence plagues my soul
A wandering ghoul trapped in the cold
With a plethora of stories left untold.

Pus oozes out,a multitude of infections
Soaked in the sea of salty banter
Sinking beyond the boundaries of relief.

Jolts of electricity shot through me
As opportune reverie
To realise how constricted I've grown to be.

Set the goals and charge towards it-
Or that was what I was told.
But only fools will adhere to what is told.

Fear Not

2008-10-16T20:35:00.002+08:00

Though the nights last long,
And the frights kept coming along,
Let not the fear invade you,
Nor the loneliness conquer you.

There is always a listening ear
Here the caring souls will hear
Quell your fears,
Control your tears.

Help is on your way,
As long as you do not keep yourself at bay
Take pride in your feat.
For you deserve a treat.

Remember,you are a true blue survivor.
For that,you are your own strength.
Help us to help you.
Pour your woes,and we will settle your foes.

Perfidy

2007-11-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

I've tried hard enough to break off from your stifling cuffs
I've undermined time and again,your unfailing trust
All in the hope of severing all your hopes
Appalled me that you didn't even get it's a hoax

You treated me like you would any body,
Hurt me like you would a cop to a criminal.
Nailed me,but not quite enough,
For I undid all your shackles with my sardonic remarks.

Fine,if you don't mind that I pine.
The person's not you,dream on and on and on,
A circle is what you always get yourself into-
The art of delusion is what you're adept in.
(Dine the fine,mind the fire.)

Holding on is no good,it kills the mood.
Things are not as simplistic as you would think.
They only get worse when you help,
For those you help will yelp and cry for help.
But you refuse to listen,and continue to perpetuate
What is already painful.

My heart shatters into fine pieces.
Shards that pierce deep into the abyss of despair and seizes.
It is all enfettered to your actions,your selfish acts of "me",
Not allowing room for the real me to be.

Surely?

2007-11-28T00:23:00.000+08:00

Surely there is something
In the thick of all things
To do justice to your wanderings
So there is no more badgering

Surely there is something
Amongst the preachings
To give you the bridging
So there is no more drifting

Surely there is something
Beyond all your darlings
To render you loving
So there is no more chiding

Surely there is something
Greater than the trivial soothings
That sends you mourning
So there is no more aching

Surely there is something
Comparable to nothing
That sets you thinking
So there is no more inkling

Surely there is,
In all the grand things?

Tales of US

2007-11-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

Deep down,in the recesses of the mind,
Lies the vine that is entrenched and entwined.
Seep,seep the waters flow,as though
In a voice that cries low- weep weep it goes.
The corner,flooded and blinded,spells
The TROUBLED and BINDED.
It crawls,it creeps,in the enigma of the night.
It confuses,it dazzles,culminating in the going of the light.

Such are our thoughts,our imagination,our realm of limitation.
They restrict,they bound,they cripple.

Impossible that they should mark our downfall.
Yet they offer such glorious pitfalls.
We fall into their allure,for we are not tall-
We are flesh,we are blood,we are fallible parts.

To err is to blur,the boundaries of the queer.
Know ourselves?We don't! Take to the beer.

No more pathos,no more ethos,gone is the morrow.
Left merely the sorrow.

2007-11-27T02:38:00.000+08:00

Experience the surreal, the ethereal and the unreal.
Extend your imagination as you would your indignation.
Eat into the dark,the oppressive stupor
That overwhelms,confronts and confounds
The unbitten lusts and the sensual overtures of passion.

The reality is not undermined by what is already benign.
In the end,what will collapse will still descend;
The outcome is inevitable,and the fate ineluctable.
Thus are the strange and bizarre in the transcension.

Beliefs are but unshakeable attitudes and reflections of one's character.
Subscribe to it or not,it does not determine you any further.
One is innately governed by forces of nature,yet something,something
That resides in the minds of others can surreptitiously encroach upon.

Cry not any flood of pearls- they are too precious to be dropped.
Crave not any food of pearls- they are too exquisite to be swallowed.
It is thus the power,attraction and illimitable dominion and stronghold
The pearl has that ENCHANTS,CAPTIVATES,ENTHRALLS,EXCITES,THRILLS,ELEVATES
the soul in the people.
The PEARL,its pulchritude and its intrinsically pureness, titillates the other, parallels the other, such that it is no longer a fodder.

Mellow sorrow

2007-11-27T01:20:00.000+08:00

Profusely my thoughts ran,
The intensity of it swam.
Again and again it plagued my mind,
The thoughts of you ploughing behind.

You're never- no,you're never ever
The one that I would love forever
Yet you're the one who caused me to suffer
At your insidious and loving power

I remember a time when we got together
You said we're like a burnt out crater;
In a summer weather, lodged in a deep blue slumber.
I know now it is all so true,for we no longer bother.

Perhaps,then.Better for you,better for me.
That we do not settle,though there is so much mettle.
A state of preservation, is possibly the best recollection.

Finally...

2007-07-04T18:43:00.000+08:00

Finally...

I see the stretch of road before me
Winding,curving into an obscured path
I marvel at the wonder,and
Wonder if the way leads away

Finally...

Leaves rustle in the wind
Flowers wither by the road
Signalling to me, loud and aggrieved,
"Move on! Hesitate no more!"

I turn to look, face aghast
Couldn't see what is in store for me
In the midst of the bust
I saw what I could actually be

Finally...

Moving on is not a choice
The sky turns turquoise
The road ahead my only way
This is like an ordinary day

Partially...

I am not willing to leave
But you are willing me to go
Though I love you so
I see that we part in bereave

The road of then has closed
The times of those lost
In the end
We have but ourselves

Finally...

Time to leave
I take my leave
There is no more "we"
Only a silent "me"

10 things?Or more?

2007-07-03T18:39:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by Jianhao to do this...

10 random things about me:

1. Lives on usually 2 meals of instant noodles out of 3 meals each day.
2. Sleeps for about 2 to 3 hours on schooling days and up to 15 hours on non-schooling days.
3. Needs humourous friends to save my life.
4. Repelled by snobbish,superficial people.( They disgust me.)
5. Goes shopping for CDs whenever I don't feel like studying,even though I have to.
6. I know less about myself than I do about others.
7. Cannot tolerate gossips or untruths about my friends and me
8. "shit you" is my pet phrase.
9. Can become nonsensical and hyper at times.
10. A lot more random than radioactivity.

and i tag (its random):
1. Kailin
2. Calcy
3. Aprie
4. Delin
5. Gerald

Instructions: Once you're tagged, write a post on your blog with 10 random things; facts or habits about yourselves. After you're done, choose 5 people to be tagged, list their names (as shown above). Remember to leave a comment "you're tagged" on their blog and tell them to read your lastest blog entry.

plethora of feelings...

2007-07-02T23:46:00.000+08:00

Jian Hao,I'm sorry I will have to shelf the obliging tagged post to sometime later.

It's about time I garner all my strength and perseverance into an ultimate aim.
It's about time I break out from the vicious cycle of entrapment in the local education system.
It's about time I take it upon myself as a responsibility to keep myself motivated.
It's about time.

It is never easy I know,but there has to be hardship-it is the process.
Rewards?I know not.Indeed,the only conceivable ones are too distant to be within reach.
Nevertheless I will trudge on,will move on,should carry on.
Must I sink myself in utter despair and wallow in self-pity should I encounter hurdles?
Needless to say,it is human to falter,and to indulge in misery.
But this time round,it's different.
Yes I will still do what is expected of me,I will not put up a strong front.
Just that I will return soon to face the devil in the face.

It's been a while since I've had a seizure.It's been a while,indeed.
It's been a while since I've contemplated,meditated,lost in the convoluted.
It's been a while,but it's been worthwhile.Or so I hope.

Will you support my cause,my faith?
Will you agree to help me?Will you?Can you?

No,it won't do.
There's only me.No one else.Me live within myself,and deals with "I".
It's a battle not to be lost.Neither will winning guarantee anything.
What am I here doing?Am I not me?

Time's fallen short of me.I'm a chaser of time.Have been,used to be,and almost always will be.
This time round,I want time to fall for me.Deep,hard,into the abyss of my self.
I don't care.Others are not there.
I can live on myself.Seriously.
From this moment on.

Is loss never temporal?

2007-06-13T01:12:00.000+08:00

In retrospect, I've been a lone vehicle treading on a highway of highs and lows.These are characterised by the bumps along the roads and the flat portions that make the ride smooth.

For the highs I can now only relish through reminiscing, as it has been a constant series of lows from then till now that I've been on the road with.

No offence intended to whoever is mentioned here later.( I've decided to state the names of the parties concerned for the benefit of those who are not wholly involved in the matter as I believe it will add a dimension of realism to the part I'm going to talk about.)

I was labouring to get to sleep a few nights ago when a null,cold and void emptiness started to creep within me.For the umpteenth time, I feel lonely and deserted.Despite all the number of friends I have,this feeling never eludes me.It set me pondering...real deep.

Not that I am cynical,but I actually find my current friends shallow and superficial,GENERALLY.Of course it is undeniable that there are certain friends who are indeed as sincere and candid as they look and sound and behave.I'm particularly referring to my classmates or schoolmates,or any other people I've befriended with at this stage in my life.I am particularly convinced it is not just a delusive or bitter,scornful and parochial take at the world i'm living in, but rather that perhaps the dynamics of things and people have essentially changed as the times change.

Back to my point.For instance,my classmates are surely,mainly classmates.All we discuss about is schoolwork,CCA and school activities or class chalets/outings at the most,with occasional small talks about the things we've done during a particular weekend.Maybe it is just typical of JC life,what with all the emphasis on studies and grades,and the perception that you've only got 2 years of life with each other.What can one make out of a friendship in 2 years,you may ask?People speak to you only when they feel a need to.Either to break the monotony of the day through dialogue and some kinds of un-appreciated humour that leaves one baffling or irritated at having heard an extreme moronic effusion from someone of a supposed intellectual standing,or to simply ask "WHEN/WHAT IS THE HOMEWORK (DUE)?WHEN IS THE TEST?WHAT ARE WE TESTED ON?"

One question that always pops up in my mind is," IS THIS ALL YOU'VE GOT TO SAY?"

At times,it can get to the point of ad nausea or culminates in distinct resentment and frustration.When a classmate converses with you only for the sake of MAKING USE of you to HELP HER SOLVE A MATHS PROBLEM or TO CLARIFY CERTAIN CONCEPTS IN ECONOMICS.And when it comes to subjects you are not as deft in,she EVADES YOU AS YOU ARE NOT NEEDED AND SHE FEARS YOU WILL EXPLOIT HER KNOWLEDGE of those subjects.Isn't it just insane?Do I serve to be a mere tool of reference for you?For such people,please.GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!

You now know what I mean by hypocrites.The above belongs to this category.However,I must acknowledge that there are another class of people who are not as contemptuous and despicable.These are the people who attempts to be nice where possible and befriend you at a superficial level.Beyond this level of intimacy (not physical,but emotional as needed in all relationships,friendships included) ,they are unwilling to befriend you.This is especially true of classmates who seem to get along well with you,but at a bond which leaves you confounded.Or schoolmates whom you say HELLO! to and BYE! the next minute.Or any other friends sharing similar scenarios.These friends exist in abundance,and in my opinion,can only dish up QUANTITY on my SACRED BOWL but not QUALITY.They offer nothing more than that.

The next I'm going to talk about are REAL friends, in FLESH,in SPIRIT,in BLOOD.I know I sound scary and crude,but that's the way it is,to be explicit.The connnection is indescribable but heartfelt.They are tangible beings which provide you an intangible feeling.Of security,comfort,concern,love,care,amidst multitudes of other offerings.They are MANY IN ONE persons.Multi-dimensional and true to you,you know that.They are your bolsters of support when you need them,better than your average operational-ready NSmen.The friendship is enough to placate your desire for a companion and fill the emptiness in your being.THEY ARE A PERSON'S BEST ASSETS,with a value that surpasses any INVALUABLE item one can ever possess.

You can then imagine what the meaning behind the loss of my best of friends ever in my life posed to me.And the streams of tears that characterised my facial features whenever I'm reminded of the fond memories we once shared,but I will always cherish.Jian Hao and Kin Seng are the 2 that I've lost.For the former,I've regained him as a friend,but things aren't the way they were before.I've always hated misunderstandings,and all the more they seemed more attached to me.It is generally misunderstandings that made me suffer the losses that can never be recouped.Even till now,as I reflect in my thoughts,I regret the parts I've had to play for the mistakes,and weep silently for a return of my best pals to me.But I can only go so far as to hope,for once the dynamics of a relationship change,they do not easily alter back to its original state...I HOPE FOR MY BEST FRIENDS to BE MY BEST FRIENDS,ALWAYS.I've had enough of the rest of them,those hypocrites and superficial ones.What matters to me are those who can live up to be my true friends.

At present,there're only 2 people who can...but the CHANCES?WHAT ARE THEY?I KNOW NOT.............................................................

instead..

2007-05-30T13:39:00.000+08:00

Let's rewind,replay,and re-define.If only life permits this...

In any case,I'm beginning to feel a wave of fatigue envelop me.

Whatever is the cause,I'm unsure.But there's one thing I'm certain of :

No way am I not going to yield.

There are a couple of things of late I haven't quite gotten straightened out.

For one,why is the world so transfixed on successes?And why on earth are some people almost

always condemned to eternal damnation for no apparent reason?

Humans,I spurn you.I seriously do.There appears to be no valid reason to justify your existence

anymore.

I've learnt to accept the fact that where good exists,the evil prevails.

Ever since I've been introduced to the concept of IMAGINING OTHER WORLDS, I find myself

oscillating between alternate realms of the static and dynamic.The former being a

claustrophobic enclosure and the latter being an alienating wilderness.Yes,the oxymoron.

Both worlds complement each other like soil-ridden socks pair up with fetid shoes.No doubt,

their differences are numerous,but their similarities more than compensate for this.Contained

in these worlds are articles like you and I,which are slowly and gradually, but surely rotting and

degrading under the smothering,asphyxiating atmosphere.

By any measure,I would still chastise the selfish and self-absorbed for polluting the otherwise

pure and filth-free world we have.But on the same note,I would just have to thank you for

surfacing the good deal of goodness in some people.For without you,there won't be

marginalization.There won't be civilisation as there won't be segregation from the primates.

There won't be such a thing called team spirit or belonging.Herding or grouping.Rubbish.

Nonsense.Surly things care not two hoots for makeshift beliefs.

Now for some after-thought: Difference between a spend-thrift and a thrifty person?

Me.As I'm the first one at times,and the second one at others.

Been splurging on CDs.Just purchased Maroon 5's "It won't be soon before long" and Linkin

Park's "Minutes to Midnight".Of course,judging from the title name alone and expectations

since the previous albums,Linkin Park's album wins hands-down.Bet that's yet another

fallacious aspect of human judgement : the seemingly spot-on deductions based on

past experience.That's where the seemingly right gets proven wrong.Enough said.Maroon 5

is a real winner,all eyes closed,all heads bowed,all ears twitched.Go on,leave your mouths gaping

open,and your ears itching for more.Yet,for those who think themselves highly opinionated,be

jolly ready to give yourselves a tight slap in the face.You have never been as rightfully wrong,

you see.Anyhows,I'm bowing my heads down to slave-driven tasks once again.Be glad you ain't

have to succumb to worldly pressures.Mind your clicks.Zounds!

2007-04-05T19:50:00.000+08:00

This is the start of a new approach I'm taking : the conventional one, which does not seem so conventional yet again because all along I've been taking the path less travelled. In simple terms,I'm conforming to the norm.Fitting in.Whatever you may want to term it.Let me start off with my new-found panache,a fresh take at writing.If you break it down,it's essentially poems interspersed with prose.Hope my message gets across.

Hopes, dreams and the shaky vision of a magnificient future.

It is easy to say that hard work guarantees results and success, but who is to ensure this is upheld every now and then?A Levels is drawing near,Prelims is drawing near,JCT is drawing near,I haven't had MCT- the official one I mean.Where do I stand?My resolution is visibly shaken as the days pass,and this is exacerbated by the fact that my mum has been out of sorts lately.A drunkard,an alcoholic,a compulsive gambler...every behaviour and action that points to an image of a failing parent.

A Chinese mantra, an equivalent of "where there's a will, there's a way".

I am sick of the life I'm leading.I wish this all to be a dream.A conscious one.So that I can quit it,can erase all the blemishes,go backwards and start my introductory paragraph beautifully.Maybe some people may say,"it's alright Alex, you get to learn through the obstacles and hurdles you surmount in life so that you can become a better and stronger person".Now I've found the answer to this.GET THIS CLEAR.You ain't me.You have no idea what sort of a living hell I am enduring day in day out,so please don't get on my nerves by spouting such nonsensical,in fact farcical stuffs to me.Indeed it is easy to advise,but hard to administer it.I don't blame you,the people whom may or may not truly mean what you say,but I just want the message to be clear: You're not in my shoes,you will never experience the avalanche of emotions in putting that bare foot beneath.

The shoes do not fit, they are not meant to fit,to be fit for me

Worse still,this ain't a pair of shoes that can be replaced

This pair is my world, my life

One that wears me out,upside down

As I am wearing it, and I hope for the shoes to tear

And wish that heavens rain grace on me to get a new pair

I promise to deliver.I shall start on my routine now.I won't disappoint myself.I shall subvert the smirks that you are endowing on me,and return it with a constipated smile to you next time.So wait.Don't run away.I have my eyes fixed on you.I am after you.Yes, you.My satisfaction.

Multi-farcical facades

2007-03-27T17:31:00.000+08:00

We are capable of everything, you and I
While you can bitch and stab me in the back
I can preach and pretend to slack
Be reminded: I can act according to your whims.

We are friends and seemingly close;
Your parsimonious heart has no room for me though
And I am closed to your devious means, and
Shut from your trap – how GLAD!

Take it that I am forsaking you (do I give a damn)
I am just returning the favour I owed you
For harbouring and performing ill intents onto me
When I did not see, or bother to see

See, see , sea. The sea is vast and accepting
Unlike you the midget, a petty fiend who is unkempt
Keep on, keep up with your appearance ( you better be)
Or else your make-up shall sting you and your costumes torn

Standing there naked, a most interesting sight to behold
The enchantment lies in your scaffold
All shall come to learn your pestilence and menace
By then, you would have aced

my love

2007-03-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

I didn’t know I was deprived of this love
Till you came along
Willing to hug me when I need your arms
Giving your shoulders when I need to rest

Like what I see of other couples
The thing that makes me shudder
Is the thought that we may drift further from
Our starting close distance, walking hand in hand

Are you willing to deposit your heart in my hands
Your soul in my heart
Your body in mine
And allow me the access to your everything

Give me what I need
And I will surely heed
Your every word, and spend
All the moments with you in my life

troubled

2007-03-26T23:25:00.000+08:00

I'm at the end of my tether
I'm totally at my wits' end
I don't know who turn to
I don't know who to tell or share this with

Crumbling,shackling under all this pressure
No one is able to help,because they don't see me
And the weight stifling me
I look everywhere,but only see my flustered hands clasping in empty air

I've had enough of this
I've had enough of this
It has gone on and on,ceaseless
I just want it to end

Don't bother me and my life
Don't get into me and reside in there
I hate to bear the sight of you
I hate to think of that possibility

I'm pushed to the corner,nowhere to turn to
I don't want this to be my end
I don't want such a pathetic end
I don't want you to determine my end

You inconsiderate piece of shit
Get out of my life
Stop messing with me and testing my patience
I've really had enough

Don't let me resort to my underhand means
I don't know what I would do
Things that may make both you and I regret
But I don't care if I'm provoked

I will just strike,just so you do not strike me first

blaNk

2007-03-17T15:06:00.000+08:00

It's so long since I wrote in verse
I know I sound a statue when I curse
But that's because I ain't got the feeling I wish
And I know not where I can seek that peace

There are people who come into my life as friends
I know I should cherish them as best as I can
But sometimes I overlook them, as much as they efface me
And I am at a loss; where to file my case

My family is the destiny I am born to
My obligations are things I am bound to
But I try to fail them so I can be free
Impeccable is the resolution to me

So many things I have to write and to record
Multiple walls built around me as I clear my vocal cords
But no matter how hard I try to vanquish them,
My voice is still deep within, a prisoner locked in my soul

How else can I let loose my frustration
Give vent to all inhibitions
When the people whom I thought dear condemn me to oblivion
And my soul, my voice, my thoughts, all victimised by their actions

Way back into Love

2007-03-14T11:23:00.000+08:00

Way back into LOVE

I've been living with a shadow over head
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my head
I've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
Ive been sitting aside time,to clear a liitle space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
Theres got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you again
I guess Im hopin you;ll be there for me in the end

There are moments that I dont know if its real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you again
I guess Im hopin you'll be there for me in the end

speaking pics

2007-03-13T20:43:00.000+08:00

The guy in tj polo-tee

Shares the same

Surname as me

Png Png Png

Yet he has to leave

Fleeting like a leaf

In the midst of the storm

Where we all got torn

Sometimes exit is inexorable

At times we call it intolerable

Who is to blame?

Who is to pine?

Certain though,our hearts are entwined

MINE

2007-03-13T20:40:00.000+08:00

MINE

Saccharine voice rings – delight.
Immaculate face shines – I glide.
Glossy black, your diminutive watch.
Watch that draws me to watch
You.

When the day cries foul, when the night descends
A darkness that engulfs me thinks of you.
It speaks of you, a white Ipod set against
The dim background.

Innocence like no other, ripping the skies open.
Rain down love, my dove.

Your frills never chill my heart
Your drills never kill my mind
All I mind is, your presence that binds.

Get to me, talk to me.
Whisper me, into me.
You are you, you make me.
Without you, there’s no me.

cuRse of birth

2006-11-10T00:16:00.000+08:00

Life is about gathering as many experiences as possible before you make an exit.
Memories are what you can only carry away with you.
Even then,memories are constantly fading

So new experiences have to be created and the cycle goes on..
Till one day experiences cannot be accumulated any further.

Before you know it,you experience the curse of birth : death itself.

vindicate,rancourous

2006-11-08T16:19:00.000+08:00

Implacable Purgatory

Defamation,False Incrimination.
Vindication a must.

Hypocritical,fake personality.
A cardinal sin.

Think not you strip me of my waves,
Waver,waver,I refuse.

Gather seeds and plant them,yes.
I know how to uproot the planted,no?

Yes,no,yes,no,yes.
Just wait for the great show.

a Muted reSponse

2006-10-14T20:10:00.000+08:00

Can anyone tell me what I need for a trip to China this mid-November,apart from winter clothing?Reminders...Anyways,TJ Open House rocks to the core!All I want to say is muted,so for now I am not recording anything here.Happy holidays and good exam results to all!

a world of monotony

2006-08-05T21:27:00.000+08:00

I tried drowning my sorrows
But they learnt how
To swim

I tried donning other colours
But they seemed not
To fit

My world,a mix of just
Black and White
My blog,a show of just
Me and You

Colours,enter my life
Colours,break my spine
Contour the squared
Contrast the snubbed

My mind,it binds
My thoughts,they speak
My nose,it bleeds
My eyes,they tear

Mutiny of monotony

Break,break,break

sanguine placidity

2006-08-05T18:48:00.000+08:00

Sanguine to me,
A perk to be.

Exclusion,like no other
Though I tried to smother
Frustration,yet another
Thought that made me bother

To be,not to be.
To me,not truly me.

JCTS

2006-07-07T21:55:00.000+08:00

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Those that are of true heart,
And loyal to TJC,
Will ace their JCTs

school inspired

2006-07-02T01:51:00.000+08:00

There used to be a time in school
When I thought teachers and books were cool.
But now as I near my demise
I know that I haven't been so wise.
They said "study hard and get a degree".
Instead, myopia went up four hundred degrees.
I told them, "For my subjects I'm gonna ace,"
But failing miserably, I now stare at them with a red face.
Used to think the future looks so bright.
Now only the past gives me delight.
The rain never stops, and the sun never shines.
I begin to miss happiness like a lost Valentine.
Now as I approach the finish point
I'm writing so fast I'm breaking my joint.
Yes, this is school - about running and running.
For me it's the end, but for you the beginning.

2006-06-12T19:39:00.000+08:00

I love you,you love me,we love everybody and everybody,loves we both,we get merry and marry

2006-06-12T18:31:00.000+08:00

like always,you reject me downright
such that I can't stand upright
the light ain't that bright
my plight is but SAD

2006-06-04T01:07:00.000+08:00

2006-06-03T13:28:00.000+08:00

Pre-University Seminar 2006 - The 5 days that will never be forgotten

feeL felt

2006-05-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's come over me
on silent nights like this
my thoughts start to drift
to things such as these
well well
welcome to the emotional me

BriGHt

2006-05-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday,Xinan.I'm distressed today.Future rather bleak.Must constantly remind myself that I'm of no ordinary descent...

ohphotos

2006-05-06T18:12:00.000+08:00

The photos entry.Happy birthday,Xinan.

reckOn..

2006-04-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

A work of last year,on the campusmoblog.

Tech Thrust --Alex Png

Posted by SoonLeePosted @ [31 Aug 2005, 09:03:44 PM]

Modern World is approaching,

Welcome it with open arms.

Trodden Times were before,

No difference now it seems.

Defined Technology,

It reaches out to palms.

Portable,lightweight,everywhere.

Things that screeches out voices,

Never else heard before as fakely.

Nowhere not in sight,

Flooded with crooked tights.

A chance to flaunt off your possessions,

Proving you are still in the fashion know.

How good can that be,

Only you and I will know.

Here we are,

Technology in a world,

Strickened with false cues.

Empowering misabuse.

Dying are human values,

Living the crooked fellows.

Knowing nothing better

Than to be lead by the nose.

___________________________________________________________________

Have decided upon a weekly swimming affair with some of my secondary school mates.
Also,there was the 4e1 class outing today and I took some pictures,serving as Suhaila's backup photographer.The pictures are uploaded on the 4e1 class space (Old Folks' Home) on msn.Rather fun having the raining picnic.Have been flooded with school work of late.So may not be able to update that often.Lots of tests,getting on my nerves.Yeah,I realised that I have been able to keep up with my friends recently.That made me euphoric.Other than that,I find out I'm rather accustomed to JC academic life.Nice one,Alex.Oh,before I forget,I have changed my combination LONG after PAE.No more Chemistry,but English Literature.So,it is English Literature,Chinese Literature(LEP),Econs and Maths H2s.Double Lit = work harder.Sounds tough?My choice.Work for it.No laments.

Technology-Bane or not?-- Alex Png

Posted by SoonLeePosted @ [29 Aug 2005, 09:33:54 PM]

I have always found it ironical how apparently useful things can do harm to us.Here we are,in the 21st century,where computers are never a rare sight that spoil our sights anymore,television becoming a neccessity rather than an extra perk that helps provoke that element of violence in us,despite all the melodrama.All these,regardless of how benevolent technology has been to us.

Technology is always controversial.Oddly,no one can ever really be convinced that it's an all positive or all negative issue,for the advantages bring about the disadvantages,and vice versa.Therefore,people may lament and berate it for all they want,but at the end of the day,they know that they themselves,too,can't live without it,for it has been integrated into our lives now.So much so that if one were to travel to another place far away without it,they would be lost.Matter-of-factly,almost anyone would be reluctant to rely on travelling by foot.In addition,if anyone were not to be in favour with technology's benefits,what could the high increase in handphone ownership account to?

Obviously,technology's attractiveness far outweighs its shortcomings.First of all,if not for technology,would i be able to post this blog here?No doubt in doing so i'm wasting fossil fuels that are supplied just for this cause,but all in all,it is for the good of people,as its meant for education.We are living here now in this generation whereby countless electronic products are introduced to meet the demands of our business sector,education sector,and personal usages.This is what technology is all about.It is never with the intention of inventions created to plunge mankind into further trouble.Never.Have you ever come across an advertisement promoting a product that helps to deplete the ozone layer whilst being able to provide you with entertainment and pleasure?Name me one.

Albeit all the controversies,no one can really say that technology is totally a positive yardstick to help reach out to others in the form of mass media,for personal entertainment and leisure etc.In fact,it is almost agreeable that technology has made our lives easier but our mentality and physique weaker.We have grown lazier due to the invention of remote controls.People abuse the usage of air-cons,to the extent of leaving it on 24 hours.Better digital music players meant relaxation for the stressful life today,but has in turned led to more damage to eardrums than before.The internet is no doubt a good means of sourcing for information and sharing of ideas,however it also allows delinquents to tour pornography sites.One may ask,how has technology done justice to us?

No one really has the answer.With it's pros equalling it's cons,and the attraction ever-increasing,technology will never fail to appeal to the modern people.Whatever problems it causes shall jolly well be ignored,for what people care nowadays is just entertainment and fun.Whenever something new comes up,the temptation is hard to resist,hence we will never be able to bid it goodbye.

Hate it or love it,technology is here to stay.

phase 1

2006-04-29T17:55:00.000+08:00

The turbulent waters have set itself upon me.
In turmoil I am,despair I am not.
Hope as it should be
Whirling in my thought

Just a whisker's length to doom yet I triumphed.Donated to 2 Catholic JC girls asking for donations with their tin cans PURELY due to my innate samaritanarian nature,nothing else.Such overwhelming joy to be the one taking the initiative to help others,instead of waiting to be approached.Also,I have been advising people this entire week.Kryshelle for her distressing woes,Sylvia for her PI,Jeremy and Najeeb for their PI too.Not that it matters whether they reciprocate in the future.Help extended is just help appreciated,for I empathise with the situation of asking for help,but to no avail.

This is going to be a long post,I tell you.Got back my O levels certificate and met some of the Canberrans back there,together with the other teachers.Quite exhilarating it was.Well,there is still the class picnic tomorrow and I am unsure if I am going.Because it is SEMBAWANG PARK.Just sounds so plain and morose.Guess that the excitement has got to be injected by us in order to make up for the bore.

Now that the dust has been settled,it is my turn to reminisce.The abstract source of "inspiration" for this journey back down memory lane is none other than the tin cans cum donations.So,here it is,the lousy essay I wrote last year.Based on a true and real incident.As real as your beliefs can get.

Apathetic or not?[05:52:01 AM]

It was a typical day.Like any others,I strolled grudgingly with exhuastion taking its toll on me towards that dreaded MRT station.There was the usual Junior College students in groups crowding the stands,engrossed in their heated conversations about some test questions.And as per normal,some flag raisers armed with tin cans blocking the entrances of the station.Wherever I turned to,human activity was robust.I managed to shove my way into the station and entered the electronic gate.

Monotonous riding on the escalator was in agreement with my fatigue,drowning me into drowsiness.Another expectedly boring ride home to bukit batok from yio chu kang,or so I thought.Striding my way towards the "standing bay" near the marble seats,an extraordinary sight garnered my attention.A man clad in an awrily plain white t-shirt and dark brown short pants was clutching his crutch tightly,trembling as he did so.People looked,but turned away after a short while.

1 minute.Not long after,the train screeched to a halt and rested on its laurels.Singaporeans,regardless of race,language or religion,expressed typicality of their nationality by pushing their ways into the overcrowded train.Kiasu,or so they call.The speakers then announced the closure of the train doors shortly.It was then that the word "apathetic" struck me.I was thunderstruck at that sight.The very vision of that man slogging his guts to get to the train.He came towards the direction of the train slowly,but very tediously.His efforts were so heart-rending,yet not so after all.For it was apparent that the passengers looked on "helplessly" and grimaced at his sight,not willing to give way or offer some space for the poor man.He walked on,each step slower than the previous,strength getting weaker,hope diminishing by the second.Yet everyone just watched on.Apathetically.Unsympathetically.Unfeelingly.But Singaporean-ingly.

People were still forcing their way into the train,past caring about the man.After all,why should they bother?He is just an abnormal person with difficulties and there are many dozens they face everyday in mrt stations and bus interchanges asking for donations.The man had truly turned invisible at that phase of time.I knew he had hoped so as well,as the despaired face tells it all.People simply walked past him seeing his state but not offering any help.Just as cruelly,expectedly,and apathetically,the train shut the doors behind him.He was about 20 more inches to the door.

The door had not shut the exposure to purely wind itself from the travel of the train later on;it had also shut down the door to sympathy and empathy.Tears had welled up in my eye.It was sore and painful.I turned around and saw the indifferent faces,each indulging in ignorance.Definitely,ignorance is not bliss at this moment.It is not always true.I could not believe the reactions of these people in masks just now.It was purely insanity.Not able to bear the pain any longer,I got off at the next station and bid the apathetic society goodbye.

-----The generation today is scary.Extent of this horror extends to their apathetic nature.They could pretend to deceive others by restraining their kind selves and selfishly care for their own gains,but are they able to deceive their own consciences as well?Without love,compassion, and trust, the hope for a better world will be bleaker than ever before.

Love,
Alex Png
4e1 2005
Canberran
Tjc-ian

getting Started

2006-04-26T21:12:00.000+08:00

Let me get it started.Jc life is different from secondary school's.Perhaps it's because of the standards of the papers set,passing a test is not a matter of simplicity.Where it used to be a breeze to PASS in secondary and primary school,it is now a different story altogether(I still do pass some tests).I am still rather unused to it.I have my reasons for being adamant,since aiming high is what drives me to succeed.All I want to do now is to ameliorate my performance,though I do not have any concrete idea for the moment.Eradicate the lazy and unwilling bug Alex,and you can be spurred like as before.Keep myself occupied.Stay on top of my work and let not anything deter me.Juggling act is not an easy one,but many have done it.Though I have commitments to my 2 PDPs (CCAs),which will further stretch my time management and stress tolerance limits,I see it not an obstacle as large as myself.From now on,Alex of the past shall be summoned back.Meet not anyone,but the scorned one who is at Tjc with a purpose,passion and drive.The scholarship fair has served as the snap for reality.Time to get serious.Slack hard.Work hard.I am gonna aim for the As,although I may not get it.Knowing that I will try my utmost best is what matters.Process matters more than results.Now is the time to value-add myself.As per normal,there will be pictures below for viewing purposes..duh?

"for now,for future"

unSPoken

2006-04-25T17:12:00.000+08:00

Pictures paint many thousands of words...

Since the midgets neither approve nor appreciate who I am,what I am,I shall seek a hard-hearted approach..

imAgina

2006-04-21T21:57:00.000+08:00

Out of the blue,I created a poem whilst conversing with kylin online.Perhaps this is what is commonly understood as Ping Kong She Xiang bah...

I shall serve,for the master is you
I shall bow,for the maker is you
I shall weep,for the person is you
I shall love,for the lover is you

a siLenT one

2006-04-16T16:57:00.000+08:00

A post that speaks for itself.

triBUte

2006-03-19T20:31:00.000+08:00

Of Late,I've been procrastinating.Time to put things back into perspective.People have been irritating and disappointing me.But I'm glad to have a new found friend in Dion aka Edwin.This post is for the short-lived memory shared amongst one of my good friend at tj who have gone to Mj.A testimonial for him.

Oscar scars.To be exact though,in a positive manner.He left that footprint in my life as much as many others in tjc I believe.Indeed,he's one who possesses charismatic and near-flawless character,attracting many to befriend him.Moreover,he belongs to the optimist genre of people who takes things in his stride.Such a trait deserves my utmost admiration.That apart,I still find it too much of a coincidence that we came to knew each other when I wasn't even in OG9 for Orientation 1.hahaz.There are also several inexplicable occasions where we bump into one another in school,and I sure made a jest outta that eh?hahaz.Well,you were right in saying that life moves on,no matter how unwilling one may be.I shall cherish all that was shared and look forward to more opportunities to catch up with this youthful and friendly fellow.In response to your uproar over my exclamation of your "outstanding" character in the forums,YOU DESERVE IT! hahaz..You wanted a thousand words,and here you have it.See u!

Stylish redefinEd

2006-03-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

Ever seen a school's logo as cool as this?I'm so envious of our bowling team for being able to don the shirt with this logo...ERpS..

Not in the mood to really type much about happenings yet.Have to prepare the pre-university seminar information since there's a meeting tomorrow morning back in school at 9am.9AM!!What holiday is this?I'm returning to school everyday.Well,at least tomorrow's return is a willing one on my part,for I heard of the fun that is guaranteed in the seminar.WOOHOO!!

Oh,before it slips my mind,the 4e1 class outing to Night Safari was a bit dry but the photos taken were rather juicy.A sneak peek's here...

Came across the class msn site and was rather nostalgic.Real touched by some people's efforts to keep in contact.Way to go,everyone! Will blog soon once I get all my workloads off my back.Till then,I'm off.

update of tj

2006-03-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

Events that occurred:

1)Dragon Boating

2)Auditions

3)Met JAE LEP people,such as Xiao Yong.

4)Told that none of my cg mates' appeals were successful

5)Pissed by pest

6)Got to know Chaneline,Xiang Wei,Sam and Tian Hua better

7)Pearline gave me a pair of Adidas slippers to tread on

8)Let Mrs Noordin in on the fact that she resembles my English teacher in sec 4 Mrs Shirley Teo,and she said I would fare better in English Literature.

9)Paid tribute to Mrs Teo for helping me gain confidence in English

10)Realised that Xiang Wei and Fitrah were both from AJ and were classmates.

11)Luo Jun sms-ed me to relate about his coincidental befriending of my secondary school mate,Fazil,in NY.

12)Found out that Chaneline knew Evon Lee.

13)Higher Tj Orientation Spirit,what with the dragon boating.

14)Pre-U seminar notes must be read and studied.Must do research.

15)Dialled Wei Hao's home number to ask him out,but he was in church.

16)Jing Cheng got upset that his effort to set up the Friendster account was not really recognised by us.

17)DanLu returned to Tj to join in Mass Dance and Orientation,forgoing Vj's orientation as a result.

18)Oscar was saddened that we,OG 9,didn't perform well for auditions.He enjoyed MJ and is resigned to staying.

19)Meng How feels that NYJC is good now.

20)Chose English Literature over LEP,unsure of regrets and yeah,regrets.

My Opinions:

Dragon Boating was fun.It rocked.Donning on the life-saving vest may be a torment,nevertheless,the experience was enriching.We did biking on the boat,splashed water on other boats though it was mostly us being splashed,and had a race.The highlight was definitely the leap into the river.Cool and drool.Definitely,it is something that Tj can be remembered for,and for the wonderful Orientation experience.I know this may sound crappy and undetailed,but I'm typing this entry in the midst of the dark,with my fatigue setting in.So pardon me.Yeah,got some blisters on the hands here and there.And wet all over.It was a challenge to continue embodying the wet garments with you all the way back home.All in all,today was rocky and exciting.Drained now...

life of 2006 in 2 months

2006-03-07T14:36:00.001+08:00

I do not have an inkling of where I should start from.So,I decided to pen down all that I can recall,for now.2006 in the 1st 2 months or so.

The Ascends:

1) Being able to enter temasek jc and meet a myriad of people,hence being exposed to how people from other schools behave,think,study and approaches stuff.

2) Getting to know cool and great friends Jing Cheng,Luo Jun,Li Hui,Xin An,Xia Lang,Dan Lu,Clifford etc.. from Tjc,the school which rocked me.

3) Having the honour to experience the teachings of Mr Low (maths tutor),Miss Ho (econs tutor),Mr Tearle (chemistry tutor),Mrs Noordin (GP and PW tutor) and last but not least my respected Civics Tutor cum LEP Tutor Mr Koh.

4) Climbing up the maturity ladder for learning to appreciate,respond appriopriately to different people and forge strong ties.Becoming a better person in the process.

5) Having found a new exemplary model to follow,my senior at tj,Jiayi.A cool and vibrant outlook she possesses,she also shares the passion for law,which I am utterly surprised to find out about.

The Descends:

1) Having an irritant in my life,even more so than Jacob was.I have grown to appreciate Jacob more.

2) Facing ungrateful or unappreciative people in my life,some of whom deals with problems in a purely immatured manner.I am pissed.

3) My O levels grades.Disappointing and discouraging.Regretted not taking advice of form teacher Mr Oon's advice in sec 3 and slogged my guts out,only to be entrapped in a condemned situation near the O levels - Burnt out and fell horribly sick.Loathed myself for being a slave-driver.The worst thing was not to be able to decide whether to rejoice or despair,when the results seemed dismal at some point or other.

Wanted an A1 for Combined Humanities,Amaths and Chemistry badly,not that I don't want better grades in other subjects.Just that these 3 were the ones I really wish to excel in and not disappoint my teachers.But hell,it's over.Carpe diem.

The Highlights:

~The People ~

Derrel the Byle- He deems himself the King,but I see him the Conqueror.A unique persona to have around,one whom stands out from the crowd with his eloquent attribute and pleasing style.I appreciate him as one whom I think clings on to his beliefs and perceive things in a critical viewpoint.Likes Mariah Carey like no other.Kelly Clarkson as well.And yeah,I like Kelly's songs and Mariah's We Belong Together.I'm grateful to Derrel for being the one who also encouraged me when I was at a time of loss.He never really gave up on me like so many other friends did.Optimistic and never really gives others a bad attitude,he is one pleasant soul I am fortunate to befriend.Seriously believe he will become a great pal to have should more time be spent together.

Haikel Hike- Made my ride in life smoother.But no,he's not the catalyst that speeds up a reaction.He harnesses the pivotal role in my sec 4 and post secondary life,constantly there to cheer me and provide consolations.It was by luck I knew him,but fate that we clicked.He is one of the best counsellor ever in my life and a simple guy whom possesses not the poor,but a whole wealth of life experiences.I salute him for his courage to pursue what he wants in his life,albeit the sacrifice of key elements in his life and I support his decisions as a friend.A malay who looks Chinese,but still being very inclined towards the Malay Language and culture,he is one sophisticated intellectual so do not be fooled by his appearance.What belies beneath that innocent smile is still,innocence at the optimum( if you get what I mean).And no,he isn't one whom plots against you;he is one who plots for you.Haikel,I thank you for being my friend.

The Missed Scythe:

Jing Cheng : I've seen him grow in a way or other,with us at tj.Knew him closer towards the end of PAE but fate decrees that he must leave.Though you may not be physically here,JC,stay a tjc-ian at heart and in mind.Vj may be the place that helps you reach your goals,but forget not those wonderful memories we all,as tjc-ians and cg 21/06, created for one another.A friend is a friend,no matter where you are.

The Hyped:
Xin An,Xia Lang,Luo Jun,Chin Liang,Eunice and Li Hui : These are people whom I will miss one way or another,should I change CG(class).They are kind,cool,helpful and rightful representatives of the Tj culture and community.The laughter I shared with them is something that will never cease to be forgotten.They have strengths in their own ways and I hope that they capitalise upon that and good luck friends,to your future endeavours.

-_- I chose the difficult route,and I shall try my best to endure my way through.-_-

~~A Tjc-ian as of today,A greenery of tomorrow~~

__-- A dime a dozen,Not Forgotten--__

Up next: An update of the tj life

PIONeer

2006-03-05T15:57:00.000+08:00

The first post of 2006 is here.2005's posts were dark,as dark as this blog can get...haha.I hope to become cheerful and brighten things up a bit this year.And,yeah,it's been a long while since I last blogged,so I somehow lost touch.Well,I shall recount the happenings and what I want to highlight in a somewhat structured format.

Reminisced Days of 2005 and its people :

The Incredible Sec 5s:

Teseng,Amirul,Jeremy,the Twins,Jack,Wei Teck,Xin Ling and many other sec 5 friends were friendly and amiable people I would miss.Though the time spent with them was short,it was insightful and cool.They brought hope and encouragement to me as great people of Canberra Secondary.I guess they depicted the rosy image of quality Canberrans in its defining rights.I must admit it's a pity I didn't get to know them earlier,due to my indecisive nature.Haha,actually I took note of them since sec 2 or 3..SsshhH...We only got to know each other better in the days leading to the O levels,where we studied at Mac Sun plaza.Oh,those ma-yi-ah-hu days....

The Expressive Sec 4s:

SUHAILASE!! yeah..I really enjoyed the time spent with my ever-cheerful buddy Suhaila.Saluted for her courage to face failures with optimism,and remembered for her contagious sunny outlook,she's a friend whom I have seriously cherished over the years. Not one to be trifled with at times of frustration though. Seriously,she doesn't really mull over unhappy stuffs for long.And she has given me a lot of encouragement over the years.How we used to have heart-to-heart talks with one another..and the wacky funky Black Eyed Peas stuffs..I am missing you,suhaila.After all,we were sat together for almost 1 to 2 years next to one another..haha!

Pearl the gal...A corny teenager.Oh my,she was a true friend whom shares weal and joy with you.We shared many secrets together and always met each other during Edusave awards presentations...citing fate as the pivotal factor.Haha..The poor Biological girl always had to endure my round-about manner of speaking...and somehow or other,she adopted it as well.Now we will spar with one another,and I must admit I'm rusty at the pearly language now.No one would ever be as crazy as both of us are when we talk to one another...And thanks,Pearl,for all those prezzies you gave me during Christmas and my birthday..I will always remember you.Not to forget those songs that I heartily sung on the phone always...and the 2 to 3 hour chats over the phone..

Jeremy the wing lover..Anything that has to do with Chicken,seek this guy's approval or advice! On top of that,he sure knows where to find good food.Happy-go-lucky person,and better known as Miss Wong's son,he has grown with me at Canberra.Those pleadings over the phones about questions pertaining to tests..haha.Jeremy,if you are reading this,you should know what to do...Calls..haha.We always discuss about people and relationships,but he likes to take on the neutral side.Never an extremist,I guess.Jeremy will be missed for his adorable answers in response to Miss Wong's questions..haha.And yeah,our recess breaks and meetings after school together..

Jian Hao the one - Does wacky stuff in class.Can play the fool,yet unafraid to be made a good joke of.He studies and plays hard.And he sure knows time management haha..One of the few,other than fitrah,that really impresses me with his timetable for studies and play.Not only that,he really does mete out the proposed duties accordingly,punishing himself in the process.Will definitely make it great in life later on.His spiritual inclination towards his God was heavily talked about ever since sec 3.Yeah,he is the ONE.Cool and drool,ahha...My friend,please stay in contact!

Fitrah & Azizah (why both of them together?they are the SIAMESE twins lol..) - I always thought Canberra never did justice to my 2 special classmates. Come to think of it, it was amazing how both of them have undergone dramatic changes in Sec 4.For Fitrah,it was more so evident this year.She has learnt to be more appreciative,polite and yet stylistic in her right.And she has officially termed me her psychiatrist.haha..I guess our friendship really started only the end of last year and better this year..What I admire her for is her courage to remain her true self and takes a firm stand in what she believes in despite the many influences and pressures all of us may have on her.Azizah sort of shocked me when she was having a mental breakdown last year,citing me as the impossible example to follow when it comes to working hard for the big Os.And I'm happy for her she has done herself justice.Scholar of Canberra Sec.She was closer to me and shared with me her life happenings last year when she started working at the Night Safari.I believe she has gone through a lot and matured as well.She is just not the innocent girl she seems anymore.Advice is not needed for you anymore,Azizah...You are ready to stand up on your own.All the best to you both!

As for the rest of you who had played a vital role in my life in Canberra Sec,I thank all of you.I do not mean it if I didn't include your names.I shall as soon as I remember.

The Valiant Sec 4 Ns:

Kok Wei,Hui Kit,Jie Xian and gang...I thank you all for being pillars of my life outside school life.We had many a great times pooling,bowling and playing arcade...I know our friendship may not be as steadfast as those of which you all the N people share together,but I'm positive we will never end like this.Work hard for your O levels and other promotional exams for Kit as well...Hope to see you around soon.

-______The golden moments are not ours to define,but ours to savour_______-

NEXT UP: My Life SUmmatiOn in 2006 (Sneak preview through photos..lol)

Alex the Vexed

iNdifferenCe

2005-12-18T01:19:00.001+08:00

Time flies.It seemed aeons ago that O levels are over and done with.Somehow,it is too early as well.I have simply not fully utilised the holidays.Furthermore,it's passed by so quickly.No doubt,I wish so much to enter JC.On the other hand,I fear of the unknown.A repitition of what had happened in secondary school.In addition,the O's results are not out yet.Nothing is assured.No one can promise anything.NOTHING.

Crept up to my computer at 10am last morning.Half-heartedly,I accessed the MOE website to check my JC posting results.However,I was expecting nothing,actually.Anywhere is fine.No matter which JC I enter,it's still a JC(only for first three months).I don't care whether it's first or second in ranking now,although it would be a good incentive to have it.Treat it as a bonus.

The first thing that I was faced with when I went online (even before I went to the MOE website to check my results) was the exhausting flow of messages on MSN.Everyone was asking me," Alex,which JC did you get posted to?" However,I had not checked my results out.They told me theirs,and I was all ears.Haiz...Gonna be alone once more...I checked the results and realised they had granted me my choice : Temasek (JC)Science. But I'm the only one going there...No other secondary school friends or anyone whom I know is.All of them are going Nanyang,Anderson,and Innova,Yishun etc...I'm soo going to be solitary once more.Like when I entered secondary school after my PSLE.The only thing that I'm really grateful for is the fact that I was successful in my application for LEP!! Imagine my horror when I checked the name list of successful applicants ( only 46 out of 150 applicants) repeatedly to find my name missing! Luckily,I approached the HOD and he pointed it out to me.

The rest of the day was spent at home.Rotting away.

I awoke rather late today.But definitely not later than my cousins and brothers.Faced with the same emotional baggage.Shoved it aside.And yes,I finally remembered my date with James and erm...the anonymous.We are supposed to go arcade at Plaza Singapura.So we did.After which,we made our way to Parco Bugis Junction's arcade.James was there.We had quite many games,but not really with one another.Others were spoiling the queue by cutting in to challenge us on KOF XI.Learnt some stuff there.I must get Ignatius to get me the KOF game on PS2 soon.And soon enough,I will get my imp-y little brother off that console..It's either KOF or nothing.

I have nothing much to say.A broke guy really is broke mentally as well.I AM BROKE.SOMEONE,DONATE $ to ME so that I can LIVE...

By the WAy

Intrigued by the way

I sauntered for the bay

Many a tiMes

You MotiVated,You encouraged

Hence,confiDence arose

And I awaited that day

Never did it arrive

For your moves,I realised

Were contrived

Hope thus dashed

Dreams ashed

The cruel you smirked

In that manner,that way

AnguiShed me full of indignation

And burning fury

Yes,will never forgive or trust you

Just to tell you,

By the way

iNdifferenCe

2005-12-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

aNguiSh

2005-12-16T01:20:00.000+08:00

Indignant.What wrong did I commit again?Was it ever my fault?Well,I guess I would have to "admit" it's all mine,like how others always thrust the blame unto another and accuse the latter.

We are supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow-HK,KoK WEi and me.Now things have gone awry.Ah,well.Cancelled.Not that I didn't want to go.I have limited budget.And it was supposed to be free.But I still decided to go.Having decided,we found that Kok wei did not have enough $.So HK cancelled.

Let me reiterate,it's never my intention to go back in time.So whatever has happened will happen and shall never be returned to the way it was before.All that can remain are but vague recollections.Therefore,once things have gone a different way,I will never step onto the same path again.Especially when it comes to handling relationships and challenges in life.

Resolute decision.Now,back to life.King Kong was impressively disappointing.3 hours of warming the cinema seat just to catch a movie that has no plot,no life to speak of.Draggy details,silent moments,indecisive roles and add to that King Kong the beast dying for a human beauty.How lame can one movie get.I bet Chick Little will be much better.

Apologies for the vindatories here.No point bottling it up.It's for me to look back on and remember the lessons learnt,not to repeat history once more.To have a renewed and hopeful me once I'm outta here.So pardon me,my posts are as dark as this blog gets.

And yes folks,I got my ps2 already.At $200.Planning to buy the joystick controller to play KOF better.My brothers have been hogging the game console.Fret not,my elder brother's returning to camp,and I'm gonna chase my younger brother outta that place soon..EVil me.

Somehow,I feel there's a need to reform myself.To be less vulnerable to others and yet more difference and impact to their lives.Perhaps I should really enter the scheming world of hypocrisy,for people return FALSENESS with truthfulness.I really have had enough of it all.Payback time.People whom I have most trusted to be my longtime friends turn their backs on me over the slightest miserable matters.What else can I say?It's just "one for oneself".That's how the world goes round.Merry Merry world...How ironic!

My JC's posting results will be out in 8 more hours.I'm not that bothered now.My life's a draw between people and career/future work.I will not want to depend too much on people now,I think.As I quote,Humans are the hardest to please.Most horrible,UNPREDICTABLE creatures in this whole world.No other living things can be more cruel than them.Oh well,there's still Christmas.I believe it will be a cold one,as usual,this year...COLD to the people surrounding me and vice versa.I'm so robbed of my humane self now.Someone,find me back.

Lost

Hope sparkled,

Doped;Handled

HanD extenDed

They pretended

Grabbed;Tricked

Disappointed

CrinGed,that corner

No One boThers

LosT,Not in Places

PeoPle,I LosT

Yes,To PeoPle

I LosT

and LosT

woRdLesS

2005-12-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

I know,I know.I have not been updating the blog for long.I was just contemplating on whether I should post this as well.Uh,well,just go ahead with it,that was what I thought.It has been a while since I penned my thoughts,so,might as well get it over and done with.

Period.All faith will never be restored.I learnt the way of life,the way life should be led.THe sardonistic way.No alternatives."dO unto othErs what oThers do onTo yOU".

Yes,I had my prom night.It was mind-blowing.A fantastic night with glamorous moments.Awe-struck by many striking appearances.There was the Ngee Ann Poly immersion course too.Full of nothing but boredom.Imagine having to endure lectures when it's just after the Os.What else more do I have to say?Nevertheless,the last day was fun-filled,though in a lame way.THe childhood years of happiness playing silly but fun games were once again relished in those few hours.Knew some people there,but somehow you will know that these will be people who will come and go.Not to mention being friends.

I am so tired...have had enough of all these crappy nonsense...Shall I enter the realm of self-centred gobs or stay put with ever-strong resilience?

Surrender --Alex Png

I crept to that forbidden corner,

Wept the hidden anger.

Endurance fades,

Time forbade.

Cringing,berating and complaining,

I let out agony's devil.

Examine my brilliance,

Determine thy weakness.

Knew I stood no chance,

Fighting the rigid brute's violence.

I was invaded

Not by terror,

Neither by horror,

Just my aggressor

The tyrant stresser.

Glitchy Hitch

2005-12-02T13:14:00.000+08:00

My cousins were fascinated with MSN messenger to the extent they regarded it with more zest than a highly thrilling game.Frills.Which accounts for why I wasn't able to update the blog these 2 days.They had been hogging my laptop.Goodness gracious...they can stare at the msn messenger for 4 hours straight at 3 to 4 pathetic offline contacts!! I was the only one who was online on windows messenger and they actually typed and "CHATTED" with me!! "They" are tweaky trios aged 9,11 and 12 respectively.All had dyed their hair.What a change of tides!

Had been to the lan shop and found to my displeasure I have no idea how to play the popular Lan games such as DOta,FrozEn tHrone,CS etc.Such a noob.Geez!To make matters worse,I spent 2 futile hours spending a freaking $5 on ...solitaire and NEED FOR SPEED UNDERGROUND!! Ridiculous,ain't it?

The remaining times had been spent outside with friends.By the way,I had bought my PROM sleeved shirt from Metro already.An exorbitant $70!! Not to mention those "leather" shoes costing me $40...I am broke now!! What's more,I haven't bought my pants yet! Was reprimanded by my mum.What's more,I found out that I could have saved on the money...OOPS!!

Apart from that,I started picking up Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul once again,given to me by Mrs Teo.I started to appreciate what an asset it is.It really offers insight to many other kinds of life and involves stories of sadness,courage,happiness,and many more.It really heals souls,especially broken ones like mine.Hope to buy more of these books.

Anyway,I spent most of my time at home alone thinking about life and my path.Thought through somethings.Rather,I must decide impromptu before I sink further into the well.I got some new songs and was rather happy and fascinated with it.

I shan't say much now for I must come to appreciate what I possess now.My MP3 player,my 6630,my laptop...I must fully utilise it now that it's the holidays.Musn't whine about not having the best nor enough.And yes,my family too.I need to spend more time with them.

I will end off with this :

Stone by Stone

I have a wall you cannot see
Because it's deep inside of me.
It blcks my heart on every side
And helps emotions there to hide.
You can't reach in,
I can't reach out.
You wonder what it's all about.

The wall I built that you can't see
Results from insecurity.
Each time my tender heart was hurt
The scars within grew worse and worse.
So stone by stone
I built a wall
That's now so thick it will not fall.

Please understand that it's not you,
Continue trying to break through.
I want so much to show myself,
And love from you will really help.
So bit by bit
Chip at my wall,
Till stone by stone it starts to fall.

I know the process will be slow,
It's never easy to let go
Of hurts and failures long ingrained
Upon one's heart from years of pain.
I'm so afraid
To let you in.
I know I might get hurt again.

I try so hard to break the wall,
But seem to get nowhere at all.
For stone upon each stone I've stacked,
And left between them not a crack.
The only way
To make it fall
Are imperfections in the wall.

I did the best I could to build
A perfect wall,but there are still
A few small flaws,which are the key
To breaking through the wall,to me.
Please use each flaw
To cause a crack,
To knock a stone off of the stack.

For just as stone by stone was laid
With every hurt,with every pain;
So stone by stone the wall will break,
As love replaces every ache.
Please be the one
Who cares enough
To find the flaws,no matter what.

Night.

RecoVerY

2005-11-30T02:06:00.000+08:00

Some people ought to be taught a lesson,or lessons,where applicable.I witnessed yet again human treachery at play today.It made me relish the simplicity and tranquility of life before.Innocence.Pure.Not now.Now,everywhere's stained.By people.They made me see through life in the most cruel and direct way possible.So much so that I have come to agree no lesser that Ignorance Is BLISS.

Foul mood when I woke up today.Upsetted my mother and am really very sorry about it.She insisted I follow her elsewhere with an adult whose attitude really puts one off,hence I insistently declined.To the extent of putting on a PISSED off ToNE.Mum,I'm really sorry.No idea why,but these few days people have made me feel down time and again.I have realised that they are not truthful to me,making use of me.My so-called friends.Whom I trusted.

Again,I stayed home.Went online and downloaded some games and browsed through other blogs.My mum went out and called me about 5pm.She had wanted to help me buy my stuff,like shaver and cream etc.But she realised that she didn't know which I wanted.Therefore I went to meet her at Toa Payoh Central's NTUC.I chose a nice-smelling hair wax,bought a new comb,and decided upon a Gilette M something shaver(the one with the David Beckham endorsement on it).Also had a Gilette cream for shaving.After which,I chose a perfume I have never seen nor used before...haha.Experiment first...my mum told me.If it's not up to par,then I will try others as there are no testing reagents provided.

My mum held my hand like when I was a kid.I had wanted to retaliate as would a typical teenager who doesn't want to be seen "embarrassed" in such situations.At that instant,it struck a chord in me that I HAVE TO CHERISH THE LITTLE TIME I HAVE left with my mother.I don't wish to regret it,nor do I wish to live to not be able of remembering the feeling of having my mum's warmth enclosing me in that able hand.A hand which single-handedly brought the three of us up.Me,my brothers.I must cherish my mum.I must!I get butterflies in the stomach whenever she talks about how sooner or later her cancer cells will act up and snatch her away from our very clutches.I never ever want to have to think of that moment.NEVER.

Well,mum then accompanied me to eat.She had not taken lunch then but she didn't eat much except for a tuna sandwich.She took me to try the Katong Laksa,and I mean the authentic one...not some you find in Pasar Malams claiming to be similar.Gracious,I have to tell you,both are worlds apart!! THere is an absolute huge disparity!! The real KATONG LAKSA was simply HEAVENLICIOUS!!I was reminded once more of the play Oliver Twist,and the line FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD! returned to hit me once more.$3...not much in quantity but makes up in terms of quality.Mum ate only the sandwich as she would start throwing up if she ate more.Ever since her recent eye operation which left her left eye bleeding non-stop,she has been feeling sick.Yesterday,she was buying brunch for us as we were still sleeping,when she suddenly threw up a lot when she ate nothing practically the whole morning and noon.Saw a doctor (had to wait for 2 hours) and he said that she had overworked herself.Doctor in TTSH had previously told her to sleep a full 2 weeks most of the time.Just hope she's fine...

I decided to have a makeover somehow.Buying all those stuff.I need justice.After all these years.Not too sure when to start.Where to start from.Haiz,guessed I have to contend with no one.But myself.I care nothing more about hope for a relationship nor a so-called TRUE friendship now that evil is presiding everywhere.Each for himself.Who cares more?I will wait,till someone shows me the light.And the way.Out.

unMaskEd

2005-11-29T03:26:00.000+08:00

Something remarkable happened today.End of story.

I thought it would be a good idea to go Orchard to look for the clothes that I'm going to wear to Dinner and Dance.I mean,or so I thought.Therefore I asked if Hui Kit and Kok Wei wanted to join me.Indeed,they were pals enough to accompany me.To my utter dismay though,Hui Kit was "fooling" around haha...He skipped all the Mens' section and went to irrelevant sections!!!Kok Wei was rather bored to tears,and hence I suggested going to arcade instead.Right then,both of them perked up!And so we did.

KOF again.I think I have lost the spark.The passion for it.My attention lies in somewhere else now.I believe I will drift away from KOF in time to come.It may be a good thing afterall,having been bugged by it for about 7 to 8 years.It made me regret for I was too addicted to it that time when I was in primary school,even in Primary 6 when I was supposed to prepare for the PSLE,I had to go to the arcade to play that game in order to kill the itch.Otherwise,I would not be spurred to do work nor study.AMAZING,or blatantly put,SHOCKING isn't it?I know many people wouldn't believe me when I tell them how a KOF freak I was.But never mind.All's past.I shan't talk much about the dreadful and saddening past.Have to move on with life here.

All I wish to say is,friends from KOF,I hope we will keep in contact though I may have to retreat from that arena.Perhaps we can do something else next time together.Or I can still play KOF with you,but not as often though.In the long run,I think it would benefit me as JC life would be hectic.I don't want to waste my 2 years in JC still fooling around and playing some games just to do injustice to my grades in school.Definitely I hope you would understand and empathise with my situation here.

Dinner and Dance is approaching soon.I have no idea what to buy,what to wear there.Rather looking forward to it,but somehow or other there's something telling me...Something.My gut feeling.NO idea what's what.When's when.How's how.Nonsensical crap.I am beginning to blabber irrational stuff here.My apologies.

Saw my cousin(from my father's side) at Toa Payoh MRT station topping up his EZ-link card.He looked rather tired.At first,he didn't notice me till he nearly bumped into me,and I mean literally.He then said hi and told me to call him again.Perhaps tomorrow.That's all today,MORE or LESS.

ConTemPLatE

2005-11-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the delay in my posting.I was caught up with work and going out with my friends these two days.Had went to hand in the LEP form in temasek jc the day before and found to my horror that people applying for it are all from TOP SCHOOLS with whatever HIGH SCHOOL...like DUNMAN HIGH,ANGLICAN HIGH etc...Quite pressurized by it.Moreover,some students have raw scores of 6( which means A1 for all the subjects in L1R5)!!

Too many people vying for LEP in Temasek as it is the best in terms of its LEP programme.They grant you opportunities such as enabling you to take it at H3 level without many strict rules and conditions guarding it.As for yesterday,didn't really go out except for going out with my mother to my grandmother's.Stayed there till night before heading to Toa Payoh ENtertainment Centre's cinema to watch HArry Potter (once again) with my friend till 11.45pm.Walked my friend to the bus stop before I headed home.

Today itself was a moody one for me.Stayed home the whole day.Didn't do much except for going online and watching tv and chatting...Sorry for this boring post,I will update again next time.By the way,I chatted with Mrs Teo and that did lift up my mood a little! She told me never to have a fixed mindset about exams and for my future's exams,that is, and I am really grateful for her advice throughout the whole session...Hope everything's well for her.By the way,she expressed interest in joining our graduation cum Promotion night titled DINNER AND DANCE.However,no one's sent her an invitation yet.Gotta remind Suhaila to do so!!

Thanks a lot for all the support and I will continue to strive hard to keep this blog together! Anyway,I changed my first and second choice of JC already,eliminating HWA CHONG and putting 1st choice as Temasek Science and 2nd choice as Temasek Arts to guarantee or up my chances of getting in(as advised by Temasek's HOD of something..)!! Haha,I am really grateful for his help and I look forward to a new life there(should I be granted in)! I was told I am offered a cross combination and I am really happy as it is only offered to students who got L1R5 of 12 and below!! I am exhilarated as this would save me the dilemma of offering the variety of subjects I wish to take up.Furthermore,they also offer me up to 4 H2 (equivalent to 4 A levels) subjects too.I was told,though,that there are only 2 combinations awaiting me, which is namely :

1st) LEP Chinese at H2 and H3 level
English Literature at H2 and/or H3 level
Maths at H2 and/or H3 level
Chemistry at H2 and/or H3 level

2nd) LEP Chinese at H2 and H3 level
English Literature at H2 and/or H3 level
Maths at H2 and/or H3 level
Economics at H2 and/or H3 level

Which one to choose? I am lost.Contemplation in progress...Gotta think it through these few days...In any case,I am off to watch My Date with a Vampire III now.Nitez!

Apt act

2005-11-25T02:40:00.000+08:00

I went to school to register my Provisional Admissions Exercise thingy.Here are my choices of schools,which I think is rather odd.Perhaps I want to change,but still mulling over it...
1st: Temasek
2nd: Hwa Chong Institution
3rd: Anglo-Chinese
4th: National
5th: Nanyang
6th: Victoria
7th: St. Andrews'
8tH: Anderson
9th: Meridian
10th: Catholic
11th: Pioneer
12th: Jurong

For your information,I took the Arts stream.However,I am unsure whether the subject combinations I want to take are accepted and offered by the schools and accepted as Arts stream subjects on the whole.I wish to take LEP chinese,English Literature,Economics,Maths and Chemistry.A rather morbid combination,which is why I am worrying.Not unduly though,for it could really be impossible to get what I want.All I can do is wish for the best.

Anyway,after selecting and submitting the online form,I headed for Temasek Junior College (my first choice) with my Higher Chinese classmate from Naval Base Secondary,Yibin(from China).We wanted to clear some doubts as well as retrieve the LEP application form (for me) and for her to hand in hers.To my dismay,I realised they needed relevant documents such as testimonials and copies of NRIC,exam slips/certs etc...What a nuisance!Which simply means I gotta head there tomorrow again...

Tomorrow is gonna be yet another busy day.I had hoped that I would be free.But now that I have to complete and gather all the information required and then hand in the LEP form before 4pm (time at which the application ceases to be accepted),I would be cooped with work the whole morning and noon.I still have to get my new spectacles which is ready by tomorrow too.Moreover,I want to attend the Singapore Poly open house!

Gotta sleep now.Drowsiness setting in...Forced myself to wake up to type this entry before I knock off.See you tomorrow(here I mean!)!!! By the way,my skin has changed,and do feel free to tag here! Special thanks to my skin EXECUTIVE XINNI!! MUAHAHAHA!! Really appreciate it!! THere's the harry potter music in the background too!!

Aptitude that makes a deal,a good one.

2005-11-24T01:39:00.000+08:00

Do I?Or do I not?Have I the calibre and aptitude to survive and thrive in a competitive and challenging environment?As Mr Oon would say,of which he really did today,THERE ARE NO ENDS TO "WHAT IFS" in this world.There's no room for doubts,for uncertainty leads to indecisiveness.Miss Wong similarly quoted me as being a "worrier",rightly in some occasions.Miss Lim told me to try out National Junior College.The majority of top scorers,especially the sec 5s,are intending to head for St Andrew's Junior College.I am but a mess.

No one could put forth reasons nor provide validity that curbs my worries.Arts or Science stream?Humanities Elective Programme or Language Elective Programme (Chinese)?Subject Combination?Choice of schools,in term of order?

Tomorrow's the day when I have to get things clear.And I'm still undecided.If nothing goes wrong,I would place Temasek Junior College as my 1st choice and as for the rest...I'm seriously unsure.LEP matters to me,I think,more than HEP.

No barrier,no carrier.I would just see how it goes tomorrow...Was disheartened to find out that L1R5 score reflected does not include bonus points as of yet...quite disturbed by that.But L1R4 was lower than expected,with a score of 7.If only I could get that for my R5...

School was open for briefing today.I attended.Was tired.Asked some questions and decided that tomorrow I would register online in school.Which simply means my decision has to be made early.I have to be swift.I would have to be back in school at 8.30am tomorrow to start the registration.

Reached home and went out with my mother to get a pair of new spectacles.Wanted frameless but the optician warned that it would look too unsightly as my degrees exceed 700+,which simply means that the lens would be freaking thick! Dissuaded,I resigned and chose the latest framed design.HEll,the price was rather exorbitant! $171 for that pair of glasses with whatever multicode,reduced thin lens,UV ray protection etc...

Went back to bukit batok,changed home address to my new and current one, and took a bath.I rested after that.Then,my mother decided to play mahjong.I then headed home alone in a cab.Was online till then.Exchanged opinions with my friends and teachers about the JC admission and got a rough idea of what I am,where I am destined to head.

Hui Kit messaged me whilst I was watching the television show.He claimed he sent me the message earlier but I only received it just then! It was exasperating to realise that Toa Payoh's reception for Starhub networks are real bad.Pathetic.HE asked if I wanted him to come my house.I then invited him over and he stayed over.

Played poker cards after we ate at macdonalds in the central.Rather worn out today.Didn't have sufficient sleep.Gotta catch up with that! And as I am typing this,my dear friend Hui Kit is shaking his legs and still wide awake! Mind him,we went to the 7-11 in the midst of the night (mid-night) to satisfy his hunger and thirst.I doubt there was any use,as he had a blocked nose and was not able to detect the smell nor taste of the food and drinks.Alright,gotta go for now.Need sleep as tomorrow will be a long day.Good nightz!

GueSS aLL's LOsT..

2005-11-22T23:49:00.000+08:00

Life = Losses. Sunken. Swollen. When you live, you lose.Many things.This struck home more apt than ever today. My family is in ruins,and there are many entangled relationships that affect me deeply.Immature adults,insensible brothers and outrageous life.Devoid of compassion,love,empathy and apathy.I am FED UP!!!
I really can't stand life as it is going now.I see nowhere.Nothing coming out of these mess.I see no future.Given a chance,I will leave here.But I can't part with my mother.However staying on here in this family would bring along an avalanche of problems which are depressing.Imagine facing a mother shouting and screaming day in and day out everytime she's at home.Most of the time,she just hogs the phone and becomes upset with that bloody apparition causing her to lose her cool.Mainly,she would spend most of her time out playing mahjong,and my younger brother would be out playing lan games and my elder brother who is adept at lavish spending,is in camp.No one would be at home.I lead a solitary life.With only a single voice to tell of a single soul.

Sometimes I wonder how I hung on to life.But I did.Time and again obstacles pitted itself right on my path.I always looked to the other side for rays of light in hope,but soon realised it was but a false facade to shake off the feeble and weakened self.Lousy attempts.I beared with shame,torture,awkwardness,embarrassment,anything.What good came out of it?Nothing.

Perhaps Life is just a tragedy.It may be meant to be a tragedy.All that were once possessed will leave you one by one, only to let you know that you had it once before.It was much more cruel that way,for people would have realised the ultimate anguish upon the loss.I lost my best friend in secondary 2 due to a dumb misunderstanding,only to gain another important friend which played a key role in my life later.Soon after,I lost him as I shifted house too.I can't help it can I ? It was NEVER my idea to shift house,but what can I do?We are always faced with difficult and hypocritical relatives (Whom we live with) and are forced to be on the move. It was rather saddening not because of the diluting of the before-concentrated friendship,but how the proposed solid friendship ended up in woebegone state merely due to the increasing of distances apart from one another.How apt...Something's lost when something's gained...and about how "friendship can withstand the test of time"..perhaps,perhaps not,I can't say for sure...but apparently with all that had happened to me,this had never held true.

I went and helped Jeremy today.And saw them through till their last paper.Am glad for them.Time flies.It won't be long before I forget most of them again...Memory does fade with time...as for me,mine fades when that person's remembrance of me fades...

I went home early after they went into the hall.Spent the whole day alone till night-time(as always).Nothing much to say about being alone at home except for having yourself in a depressed state(for having to face it everytime).At night,my mum called me out to watch The Exorcist.I hate to watch shows with her as she always suggest things when I am not free or not in the mood to do so...and when I do approach her when I'm alright,she will simply shoo me aside or give me an empty promise...Anyway as per normal,she fell asleep during the show.I watched it throughout and it was just average.No comments...

Am home now and deciding which jc I shall enter for 1st 3 months.The briefing is just tomorrow.Time is running out.Guys,if you have any recommendations,please tell me!! I really do not want to regret my choice as in my secondary school anymore...Please do provide advice on which jc to go...thanks! And by the way,to make a more informed choice and to have a rough idea so as to help give me advice,my L1R5 for prelims is 10...Thanks!!

SoLiTuDe

2005-11-21T22:51:00.000+08:00

Have been enduring nightmares the past few days.THerefore my sleep was deprived.I awoke energy drained outta me.Guessed the nightmares took its toll on me.My mum took us to the Toa Payoh Bus Interchange to pay for water bills and stuff.I figured it was a good way to familiarise myself with the new surroundings too(as I have not been going to TPY for ages!) therefore I accompanied her.After which,I was feeling rather moody and decided to go Orchard on my own.I wandered around there for a good 3 hours,stopping by Sony Gallery,Takashimaya Centre etc..and I really can't remember what I did.Was feeling quite down...and no one wanted to accompany me so I went alone.Felt quite empty within.Depressed.I ended up in SingTel Hello Store and met by chance,someone whom I have not seen for years...a HP arena friend.We chatted about the old times and he left rather indiscriminately with a colleague in a hurry,forgetting me.I then left the place and visited Plaza Singapura.After a few boring KOF games where someone challenged me and I won 5 times in KOF 2k2.I left the place.Once I reached Toa Payoh,I decided to tour and explore the place myself.Cooped myself in Toa Payoh Library(where the compound is quite huge,somewhat like Woodlands Library) where I read some magazines and books.Borrowed 4 books home- The Pearl Harbor Murders,The Frozen Deep,I-Spy and The Four Feathers.Saw that the library had a 8 books promotion this holidays but I ain't that ambitious.Feeling rather down today.Life seems to be putting itself against me.I have to fight back.And I am coming up with a strategy to do so.Came back home alone and spent the evening online...Chatted with some people on msn and am quite tired now.Called Mr Oon and spoke to Mrs Ong too...she's leaving for ACS Barker next year..Bade farewell(wondered if she heard it) and then she hung up.Gotta wake up tomorrow morning and go sun plaza macdonalds' to help my sec 5 friend Jeremy in his combined science...Tomorrow's their last paper...All the best yeah! cHowZ..

GiVeN uP...

2005-11-21T00:07:00.000+08:00

Detestable crap.I really can't see why so many people actually looked to him as a friend when he is so hypocritical and snobbish.There's this guy who made my day lousy.With the pot calling the kettle black,he claimed things that I do when he was the one doing it! Haiz..it's actually an arcade guy at sun plaza whom I have grown to dislike due to his sucky attitude.
Today was hectic.I just shifted to Toa payoh and had to unpack many stuff.Threw away many of my books,especially,Chinese,Higher Chinese,Amaths and Emaths books...haha...don't really want to see them anymore...
Quite tired now as I'm watching Vampire III...In the afternoon I met Pearline to help transfer songs into her New Ipod Photo using my laptop, as she is flying off to Canada soon and needs the music on.Saw Malcolm with her and I guess the rest is history...haha.After which Eugene arranged to pass me an invitation card about a workshop to make the most out of my life...And though I am puzzled,I will try to go.
Soon after,junqi messaged to ask me whether I want to join him in watching Harry Potter.I agreed and we went.It was hilarious * yeah * and exciting!
Haiz...went home and decided that I wouldn't join in the class chalet tomorrow,as it is not working as it would have been anymore...NOT A CLASS graduation thing anymore...and i'm quite sad by it...They are actually breaking into cliques and doing it their own way...Guess I can't have any more faith in sec school classmates and friends anymore...Learnt a real lesson..
I always wish for a true friendship that can withstand the test of time,but guess I will have to go on waiting...Nightz all!

saDisTic ceLebrATion of O Levels...whaT a daY!

2005-11-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

Before I know,it's a few more minutes to TOMORROW.The day when I will be moving house.Again.No choice...I'm moving to Toa Payoh folks! If you have time look me up there! It's a bit run-down and old,but I have lived there before (ironic isn't it?to be back in the same place again...) and know of the friendly neighbourhood atmosphere and close bonding between neighbours and people living there...It is gonna be an exhilarating and challenging ride yet again.I know I have to adapt,no matter what.So I will do just that.
Well,my day started today with me waking up with 'horror' dawning upon me, for it was 9am! Supposedly I had to meet jeremy and nadzir for our band practice,and I was freaking late as the supposed meeting time was at 9am in SEMBAWANG! For goodness sake,the bloody ride from Bukit Batok is more than enough to make them wait for an hour or half! I apologised to them and rushed off straight. We practised and discussed a little something( confidential) before deciding to go to the arcade to practise our drumming skills. This is our first meeting, and our band's name ain't finalised yet.Concrete planning is needed and I am supposedly the one keeping things together...Haiz...Gonna have a busy month with all the chalets and meetings and gatherings and graduation stuff together with band meetings...But I know it will be a memorable and fun-filled one!Haha,by the way,if you can think of any names for us,do keep me informed! We are nadzir,alex,and jeremy,if that helps at all!
After the dismissal of the meeting,I went to the arcade (sun plaza) and saw Soon Yong and Hafiz (4e3) and his brother. Played KOF and challenged them...Really owe KOF a lot! My skills had rusted so much! My other characters except for Leona were pretty shaky and weak and suffered some defeats to my disciple,KIT KIT...but he did improve la...Really happy for him for i knew it was his wish.
Thereafter, I sauntered to the mrt station and awaited kok wei and nelson's arrival.Dismayed after a long wait,I headed back to the arcade where Jason and Bill were in.Kok wei and nelson arrived soon after and we left for HMV and plaza singapura's arcade.
I left alone while Kok wei they all were still playing KOF XI (which I have not seen before only but till today!),heading for Sembawang mrt station where i Met Hui Kit...and then we went together to meet Gary at Causeway Point...WHERE HE PROMISED TO TREAT us for Celebration of HAVING O LEVELS AND N LEVELS DONE WITH!! THANKS GARY!!!! He is such a good friend which I will cherish forever,together with HUI kiT...Although both of them always gang up to bully me!! HAHA,for instance,when we were eating the bbq stuff...Gary suggested playing 4 feet!! I denied but HUI kIT was game for it...Oh my goodness! I was bloody unlucky and ended up downing weird odd stuff which upsetted my stomach...like salty sourish shitty smelling vegetables and super GReENY wassabe with sushi by GARY...OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! It was damn agonising..but well,it's over!!
Now I'm at home,resting and preparing for a new life tomorrow(packing my stuff to move).After I shift house.Hope that life will change for the better.As I always do...Perhaps won't be blogging tomorrow as they will have to take some time to reconnect my internet access and modem in the new house...TIll then,peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so BLOODY OVER...fly fly FLY!

2005-11-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

Unfettered.Free. Everything is over. 4 years of agony facing my wrong choice of secondary school. I know I shouldn't say this as some of you out there are passionate Canberrans,but...what the hell... Life really sucked to me.In that school. Students make up the school,and it is predominantly them who made my life suck. Well,everything's over. O levels OVER.. WOOOAAAHHH!!! I know I didn't give my best but there's no point looking back now...They have the papers which will be flown over soon to UK. I must look forward to Life after the major exams..and I haven't quite decided what I want to do yet. I have planned to go out with friends and make more friends or know some of my friends better,but unsure whether they will be free or not. Here's my blog's first entry,and hey,it's a prime way to practise English! Think I will start off by going to church and arcade the very first thing tomorrow>..< O LEVELS....HAHAHAHA!!! A BIG WORD which daunted me.Now I really can't believe it's over...I didn't do TYS for most of my subjects...REALLY HOPE against Hope I can fairly make it to JC...no matter what. FOLKS out there, HELLO! I just joined the blogging arena. Do add me and look out for me!! I will be visiting many of your blogs too! Right now, I need to get myself geared up. FOR HOLIDAYS!!! BYE!!!

~~TimeLess~~

None the Wiser

Changing Faces (Masked)

Beckoning

Cornered

Bare

Epitaph

Voyage

Grouse & Foul

Part (Two)

Fall

Cursed Gift

Wishful Thinking

Solely

Checkered

Wistful Wishing

Panorama

Prescience

By definition

Forlorn

Compulsion Repulsion

Dilution

Solace

Sway's not the Way

Incomplete

Pervasive Intrusion

Fall from Grace

Void

Shaken

True

Coy Joy

Meaningless Curse

Escapades

Non-luminous

Enshrouded

Silent Protest

Disenchanted

Fear Not

Perfidy

Surely?

Tales of US

Mellow sorrow

Finally...

10 things?Or more?

plethora of feelings...

Is loss never temporal?

instead..

Multi-farcical facades

my love

troubled

blaNk

Way back into Love

speaking pics

MINE

cuRse of birth

vindicate,rancourous

a Muted reSponse

a world of monotony

sanguine placidity

JCTS

school inspired

feeL felt

BriGHt

ohphotos

reckOn..

phase 1

getting Started

unSPoken

imAgina

a siLenT one

triBUte

Stylish redefinEd

update of tj

life of 2006 in 2 months

PIONeer

iNdifferenCe

iNdifferenCe

aNguiSh

woRdLesS

Glitchy Hitch

TimeLess