iNdifferenCe

Time flies.It seemed aeons ago that O levels are over and done with.Somehow,it is too early as well.I have simply not fully utilised the holidays.Furthermore,it's passed by so quickly.No doubt,I wish so much to enter JC.On the other hand,I fear of the unknown.A repitition of what had happened in secondary school.In addition,the O's results are not out yet.Nothing is assured.No one can promise anything.NOTHING.

Crept up to my computer at 10am last morning.Half-heartedly,I accessed the MOE website to check my JC posting results.However,I was expecting nothing,actually.Anywhere is fine.No matter which JC I enter,it's still a JC(only for first three months).I don't care whether it's first or second in ranking now,although it would be a good incentive to have it.Treat it as a bonus.

The first thing that I was faced with when I went online (even before I went to the MOE website to check my results) was the exhausting flow of messages on MSN.Everyone was asking me," Alex,which JC did you get posted to?" However,I had not checked my results out.They told me theirs,and I was all ears.Haiz...Gonna be alone once more...I checked the results and realised they had granted me my choice : Temasek (JC)Science. But I'm the only one going there...No other secondary school friends or anyone whom I know is.All of them are going Nanyang,Anderson,and Innova,Yishun etc...I'm soo going to be solitary once more.Like when I entered secondary school after my PSLE.The only thing that I'm really grateful for is the fact that I was successful in my application for LEP!! Imagine my horror when I checked the name list of successful applicants ( only 46 out of 150 applicants) repeatedly to find my name missing! Luckily,I approached the HOD and he pointed it out to me.

The rest of the day was spent at home.Rotting away.

I awoke rather late today.But definitely not later than my cousins and brothers.Faced with the same emotional baggage.Shoved it aside.And yes,I finally remembered my date with James and erm...the anonymous.We are supposed to go arcade at Plaza Singapura.So we did.After which,we made our way to Parco Bugis Junction's arcade.James was there.We had quite many games,but not really with one another.Others were spoiling the queue by cutting in to challenge us on KOF XI.Learnt some stuff there.I must get Ignatius to get me the KOF game on PS2 soon.And soon enough,I will get my imp-y little brother off that console..It's either KOF or nothing.

I have nothing much to say.A broke guy really is broke mentally as well.I AM BROKE.SOMEONE,DONATE $ to ME so that I can LIVE...

By the WAy


Intrigued by the way

I sauntered for the bay

Many a tiMes

You MotiVated,You encouraged

Hence,confiDence arose

And I awaited that day

Never did it arrive

For your moves,I realised

Were contrived

Hope thus dashed

Dreams ashed

The cruel you smirked

In that manner,that way

AnguiShed me full of indignation

And burning fury

Yes,will never forgive or trust you

Just to tell you,

By the way

iNdifferenCe

aNguiSh

Indignant.What wrong did I commit again?Was it ever my fault?Well,I guess I would have to "admit" it's all mine,like how others always thrust the blame unto another and accuse the latter.

We are supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow-HK,KoK WEi and me.Now things have gone awry.Ah,well.Cancelled.Not that I didn't want to go.I have limited budget.And it was supposed to be free.But I still decided to go.Having decided,we found that Kok wei did not have enough $.So HK cancelled.

Let me reiterate,it's never my intention to go back in time.So whatever has happened will happen and shall never be returned to the way it was before.All that can remain are but vague recollections.Therefore,once things have gone a different way,I will never step onto the same path again.Especially when it comes to handling relationships and challenges in life.

Resolute decision.Now,back to life.King Kong was impressively disappointing.3 hours of warming the cinema seat just to catch a movie that has no plot,no life to speak of.Draggy details,silent moments,indecisive roles and add to that King Kong the beast dying for a human beauty.How lame can one movie get.I bet Chick Little will be much better.

Apologies for the vindatories here.No point bottling it up.It's for me to look back on and remember the lessons learnt,not to repeat history once more.To have a renewed and hopeful me once I'm outta here.So pardon me,my posts are as dark as this blog gets.

And yes folks,I got my ps2 already.At $200.Planning to buy the joystick controller to play KOF better.My brothers have been hogging the game console.Fret not,my elder brother's returning to camp,and I'm gonna chase my younger brother outta that place soon..EVil me.

Somehow,I feel there's a need to reform myself.To be less vulnerable to others and yet more difference and impact to their lives.Perhaps I should really enter the scheming world of hypocrisy,for people return FALSENESS with truthfulness.I really have had enough of it all.Payback time.People whom I have most trusted to be my longtime friends turn their backs on me over the slightest miserable matters.What else can I say?It's just "one for oneself".That's how the world goes round.Merry Merry world...How ironic!

My JC's posting results will be out in 8 more hours.I'm not that bothered now.My life's a draw between people and career/future work.I will not want to depend too much on people now,I think.As I quote,Humans are the hardest to please.Most horrible,UNPREDICTABLE creatures in this whole world.No other living things can be more cruel than them.Oh well,there's still Christmas.I believe it will be a cold one,as usual,this year...COLD to the people surrounding me and vice versa.I'm so robbed of my humane self now.Someone,find me back.

Lost

Hope sparkled,

Doped;Handled

HanD extenDed

They pretended

Grabbed;Tricked

Disappointed

CrinGed,that corner

No One boThers

LosT,Not in Places

PeoPle,I LosT

Yes,To PeoPle

I LosT

and LosT

woRdLesS

I know,I know.I have not been updating the blog for long.I was just contemplating on whether I should post this as well.Uh,well,just go ahead with it,that was what I thought.It has been a while since I penned my thoughts,so,might as well get it over and done with.

Period.All faith will never be restored.I learnt the way of life,the way life should be led.THe sardonistic way.No alternatives."dO unto othErs what oThers do onTo yOU".

Yes,I had my prom night.It was mind-blowing.A fantastic night with glamorous moments.Awe-struck by many striking appearances.There was the Ngee Ann Poly immersion course too.Full of nothing but boredom.Imagine having to endure lectures when it's just after the Os.What else more do I have to say?Nevertheless,the last day was fun-filled,though in a lame way.THe childhood years of happiness playing silly but fun games were once again relished in those few hours.Knew some people there,but somehow you will know that these will be people who will come and go.Not to mention being friends.

I am so tired...have had enough of all these crappy nonsense...Shall I enter the realm of self-centred gobs or stay put with ever-strong resilience?


Surrender --Alex Png

I crept to that forbidden corner,

Wept the hidden anger.

Endurance fades,

Time forbade.

Cringing,berating and complaining,

I let out agony's devil.

Examine my brilliance,

Determine thy weakness.

Knew I stood no chance,

Fighting the rigid brute's violence.

I was invaded

Not by terror,

Neither by horror,

Just my aggressor

The tyrant stresser.

Glitchy Hitch

My cousins were fascinated with MSN messenger to the extent they regarded it with more zest than a highly thrilling game.Frills.Which accounts for why I wasn't able to update the blog these 2 days.They had been hogging my laptop.Goodness gracious...they can stare at the msn messenger for 4 hours straight at 3 to 4 pathetic offline contacts!! I was the only one who was online on windows messenger and they actually typed and "CHATTED" with me!! "They" are tweaky trios aged 9,11 and 12 respectively.All had dyed their hair.What a change of tides!


Had been to the lan shop and found to my displeasure I have no idea how to play the popular Lan games such as DOta,FrozEn tHrone,CS etc.Such a noob.Geez!To make matters worse,I spent 2 futile hours spending a freaking $5 on ...solitaire and NEED FOR SPEED UNDERGROUND!! Ridiculous,ain't it?

The remaining times had been spent outside with friends.By the way,I had bought my PROM sleeved shirt from Metro already.An exorbitant $70!! Not to mention those "leather" shoes costing me $40...I am broke now!! What's more,I haven't bought my pants yet! Was reprimanded by my mum.What's more,I found out that I could have saved on the money...OOPS!!

Apart from that,I started picking up Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul once again,given to me by Mrs Teo.I started to appreciate what an asset it is.It really offers insight to many other kinds of life and involves stories of sadness,courage,happiness,and many more.It really heals souls,especially broken ones like mine.Hope to buy more of these books.


Anyway,I spent most of my time at home alone thinking about life and my path.Thought through somethings.Rather,I must decide impromptu before I sink further into the well.I got some new songs and was rather happy and fascinated with it.


I shan't say much now for I must come to appreciate what I possess now.My MP3 player,my 6630,my laptop...I must fully utilise it now that it's the holidays.Musn't whine about not having the best nor enough.And yes,my family too.I need to spend more time with them.

I will end off with this :

Stone by Stone

I have a wall you cannot see
Because it's deep inside of me.
It blcks my heart on every side
And helps emotions there to hide.
You can't reach in,
I can't reach out.
You wonder what it's all about.

The wall I built that you can't see
Results from insecurity.
Each time my tender heart was hurt
The scars within grew worse and worse.
So stone by stone
I built a wall
That's now so thick it will not fall.

Please understand that it's not you,
Continue trying to break through.
I want so much to show myself,
And love from you will really help.
So bit by bit
Chip at my wall,
Till stone by stone it starts to fall.

I know the process will be slow,
It's never easy to let go
Of hurts and failures long ingrained
Upon one's heart from years of pain.
I'm so afraid
To let you in.
I know I might get hurt again.

I try so hard to break the wall,
But seem to get nowhere at all.
For stone upon each stone I've stacked,
And left between them not a crack.
The only way
To make it fall
Are imperfections in the wall.

I did the best I could to build
A perfect wall,but there are still
A few small flaws,which are the key
To breaking through the wall,to me.
Please use each flaw
To cause a crack,
To knock a stone off of the stack.

For just as stone by stone was laid
With every hurt,with every pain;
So stone by stone the wall will break,
As love replaces every ache.
Please be the one
Who cares enough
To find the flaws,no matter what.


Night.